LETTERS 



TO A 



DAUGHTER. 



STARRETT 




LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 

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TJNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 




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Letters to a Daughter 



A Little Sermon to School -girls 



BY 

HELEN EKIN STARRETT 

Author of " Letters to Elder Daughters," etc. 



New and Enlarged Edition 



CHICAGO 

A. C. McCLURG & COMPANY 

1892 



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I 






Copyright, 

By JANSEN, McCLURG & CO., 

A. D. 1885. 

Copyright, 

By A. C McCLURG & CO., 

A. D. 1892. 



CONTENTS. 



TTER I. 


Behavior and Manners - 


5 


EI. 


Self-control and Self- 






culture 


16 


44 III. 


Aims in Life 


27 


IV. 


Personal Habits - 


35 


V. 


Society — Conversation - 


46 


VI. 


Associates and Friends 


59 


" VII. 


Tact — Unobtrusi veness 


71 


« VIII. 


Who Are the Cultivated? 


81 


IX. 


Religious Culture and 






Duty 


88 



Essentials of Culture - - - 101 
A Little Sermon to School -girls - 125 



(3) 



LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 



LETTER I. 
BEHAVIOE AND MANNERS. 

My Dear Daughter: — One of the 
greatest blessings I could wish for you, 
as you pass out from the guardianship 
of home into life with its duties and 
trials, is that you should possess the 
power of winning love and friends. 
With this power, the poor girl is rich; 
without it, the richest girl is poor. In 
the main, this power of winning friends 
and love depends upon two things: be- 
havior and manners. Between these 
there is an important distinction, but 
one is the outgrowth of the other. The 
root of good manners is good behavior. 
Consider with me for a little what each 
implies. 

(5) 



O LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

Behavior is a revealer of real char- 
acter. It has especially to do with the 
more serious duties and relations of 
life. Its greatest importance is in the 
home. How well do I remember a 
visit, made in my youth, to a school 
friend whom I had learned to admire 
greatly for her superior intellect, quick 
wit, power of acquiring knowledge, and 
ability to recite well in class. In her 
home she was rude and disrespectful 
and even disobedient to her parents; 
cross and sarcastic with her brothers 
and sisters; selfish and indolent in all 
matters pertaining to the work of the 
household. What a disenchantment 
was my experience ! That great and 
good man, who has written so many 
noble precepts about the conduct of life, 
Mr. Emerson, in speaking of and prais- 
ing a noble citizen, says: "Never was 
such force, good meaning, good sense, 
good action, combined with such lovely 
domestic behavior, such modesty, and 



BEHAVIOK AND MANNERS. i 

persistent preference for others." This 
was what was lacking in my school 
friend : lovely domestic behavior. Noth- 
ing could compensate for this defi- 
ciency. 

What was needed in this young girl 
in order that she might have exhibited 
in her daily life a " lovely domestic be- 
havior" ? An almost total reconstruction 
of character; such a cultivation of the 
moral sense as would have made it a 
matter of conscience with her to " honor 
her father and mother," to be respect- 
ful to them and desirous of pleasing 
and serving them. Selfishness was the 
main cause of her ill-treatment of her 
brothers and sisters, as it was of her 
indolence, and her indifference to the 
performance of her share of the house- 
hold duties. Her behavior in the home 
was such that she repelled, rather than 
attracted, affection. Her own personal 
preference, mood, feeling, were con- 
stantly allowed to control her conduct ; 



O LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

and the deep underlying deficiency in 
her character was lack of a tender con- 
science and of a sense of duty. 

Lovely domestic behavior is the nat- 
ural outgrowth and expression of a 
beautiful, harmonious, and lovely char- 
acter. In order to behave beautifully, 
we must cultivate assiduously the 
graces of the spirit. We must persist- 
ently strive against selfishness, ill-tem- 
per, irritability, indolence. It is im- 
possible for the selfish or ill-tempered 
girl to win love and friends. Gener- 
osity, kindness, self-denial, industry — 
these are the traits which inspire love 
and win friends. These are the graces 
that will make the humblest home 
beautiful and happy, and without which 
the costliest mansion is a mere empty 
shell. 

One more point in regard to behav- 
ior I wish to impress upon your mind 
as of very great importance, although 
it relates less to the home and more to 



BEHAVIOR AND MANNERS. ^ 

general society. I mean that of modest 
behavior as distinguished from for- 
wardness and boldness. One of the 
greatest charms of young girlhood is 
modesty; one of the greatest blemishes 
in the character of any young person, es- 
pecially of any young girl or woman, is 
forwardness, boldness, pertness. The 
young girl who acts in such a manner 
as to attract attention in public; who 
speaks loudly, and jokes and laughs and 
tells stories in order to be heard by 
others than her immediate companions ; 
who dresses conspicuously; who enjoys 
being the object of remark; who ex- 
presses opinions on all subjects with 
forward self-confidence, is rightly re- 
garded by all thoughtful and cultivated 
people as one of the most disagreeable 
and obnoxious characters to be met 
with in society. Modesty is one of the 
loveliest of graces, and should be con- 
stantly cultivated. 

And now you will see what I mean 



10 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

by saying that the root of good man- 
ners is good behavior. In other words, 
good manners have their true and liv- 
ing root in moral qualities and the 
Christian graces. There is a certain 
surface display of manners which may 
be acquired and which may deceive and 
pass with those who do not know us 
intimately; but there is all the differ- 
ence between such superficial good 
manners and those which are real, that 
there is between the cut bouquet of 
flowers which delights for an hour or 
two and then withers away, and the 
living, growing plant which constantly 
delights us with fresh beauty and 
bloom. 

What are the characteristics of the 
agreeable and beautiful manners that 
are the ornament and charm of the 
well-behaved girl? First we should 
place gentleness, quietness, and se- 
renity or self-possession. It has been 
well said by an observing social critic, 



BEHAVIOR AND MANNERS. 11 

that the person who has no manners at 
all has good manners. What is meant 
by this, and there is a deep truth in it, 
is that gentle and quiet manners do not 
attract attention at all. Their greatest 
charm is their unobtrusiveness, just as 
the charm and distinguishing mark of a 
well-dressed person is that the dress is 
not striking or obtrusive. You can 
infer from this how inconsistent with 
good manners is heat and exaggeration 
in conversation. It is a just complaint 
among refined and cultivated people 
that many, even of the well - educated 
young women of the present day, talk 
too loudly and vehemently ; are given to 
exaggeration of statement and slang ex- 
pressions. The greatest blemish of 
the conversation and manners of the 
young people of to-day is obtrusive- 
ness and exaggeration. By obtrusive- 
ness I mean a style of speech and 
manners that attracts attention and 
remark; by exaggeration I mean the 



12 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

too constant use of the superlative in 
conversation, and a certain incongruity 
and inappropriateness of expression 
which is very offensive to the culti- 
vated taste. Such expressions as "per- 
fectly awful," "perfectly beautiful," 
"too lovely for anything," "hateful," 
"horrible," may constantly be heard 
in conversation upon trivial and un- 
important subjects in companies of 
young people whose educational oppor- 
tunities and social advantages would 
lead us to expect a very different style 
of conversation. So of incongruous and 
inappropriate expressions. " My grand- 
father and grandmother died on the 
same day of the year; wasn't it fun- 
ny?" said a young miss to a compan- 
ion. She meant that it was a strange 
circumstance or coincidence. It was 
the wise remark of a great man that 
" culture kills exaggeration." True 
and careful culture should also weed 
out from our beautiful and expressive 



BEHAVIOR AND MANNERS. 13 

English language all such incongrui- 
ties and blemishes of speech as I have 
indicated. 

Eef erring once more to what I have 
said about obtrusiveness, forwardness, 
or boldness, being an unpleasant char- 
acteristic of the manners of many 
young people of the present day, I want 
to impress upon you that much of this 
boldness arises from lack of deference 
or reverence for parents, teachers, and 
older people. This lack of deference is 
a great defect of character in any young 
person. It is painfully noticeable in 
many homes where children never seem 
to think of paying any respect to the 
presence of their parents or older peo- 
ple; where they will monopolize con- 
versation at table, interrupt their par- 
ents and guests to ask irrelevant ques- 
tions or relate irrelevant incidents, 
enter a room abruptly, and, without 
waiting to learn whether any one is 
speaking, at once begin to speak of 



14 LETTEBS TO A DAUGHTEK. 

something pertaining to their own af- 
fairs. All this is bad behavior and bad 
manners. It is morally wrong as well. 
God has commanded that we shall hon- 
or our father and mother; and one 
beautiful precept of scripture is, " Thou 
shalt rise up before the hoary head and 
honor the face of the old man." 

To sum up in the short space of one 
letter the more important truths I 
would impress upon your mind in re- 
gard to behavior and manners, let me 
say this: There are good manuals of 
etiquette and social form which should 
be read and studied by all young peo- 
ple. There are, also, constant oppor- 
tunities for observation of the conduct 
and manners of polite people, by which 
young people may and should profit 
and learn to observe the outward forms 
of society. These are easily learned 
and practiced; but the finest, best, 
most genuine good manners can never 
be acquired except as they become the 



BEHAVIOR AND MANNERS. 15 

natural expression of gentleness, kind- 
ness, intelligence, respect for parents 
and elders, and an earnest desire to do 
good to our fellow beings. Strive, my 
dear child, to cherish these graces in 
your heart, and good behavior and good 
manners will naturally follow. 



LETTER II. 

SELF-CONTROL AND SELF-CULTURE. 

My Dear Daughter : — One great and 
difficult lesson is given to each of us to 
learn in this life, which must be learned 
if we ever hope to live happy or useful 
lives. It is the lesson of self-control. 
Parents and teachers and circumstances 
may help or hinder in the learning of 
this lesson ; but it depends mainly upon 
yourself, upon your own individual will, 
whether you shall learn it or not. It 
is the first lesson which wise parents 
and teachers strive to teach a child. 
It is the fundamental, the all-important 
lesson of life. It extends to every de- 
partment of our nature and affects every 
act and event of our lives. Take notice 
with me how the possession or non- 
possession of the power of self-control 



SELF-CONTROL AND SELF-CULTURE. 1? 

affects the lives of young people in a 
few particulars. 

Certain self-evident duties are im- 
posed upon every rational being. One 
of the first of these is the duty of being 
usefully employed a large portion of 
our time. It is probable that nearly 
all young people have a certain dislike 
for work, and self-control must come in 
to help them do the work that belongs 
to them to do. It may help you in 
acquiring this self-control to reflect 
often what a really great thing it is to 
be able to compel yourself to do from a 
sense of duty what you are naturally 
disinclined to do; also what an unwor- 
thy and, indeed, contemptible thing it 
is not to be able to make yourself do 
what you know you ought to do. You 
are perhaps disinclined, for instance, to 
rise when you should in the morning. 
You feel disposed to indulge your ease 
and comfort, and to lie in bed when 
you know you should be awake and 



18 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

preparing for the day. Here is one of 
the very instances in which if you will 
learn to control and compel yourself 
you will soon reap substantial reward. 
The more you indulge yourself, the 
harder does the task of rising and get- 
ting ready for the day become. But 
say to yourself, " I will waken right 
away," rise and walk around a little, 
and you will be surprised to find how 
soon the habit of prompt rising will 
become easy. You have your morning 
duties to perform, or your lessons to 
learn. If you say to yourself, when it 
is time you should begin, "I will not 
loiter, but immediately set about my 
work or study," you will find in the 
very act and determination a help and 
strength, and pleasure even, which you 
can never imagine before you have ex- 
perienced it. God has so made us that 
in the very performance of duty, how- 
ever trivial, there is a reward and 
strength and a very high kind of pleas- 



SELF-CONTROL AND SELF-CULTURE. 19 

ure. But we need firm self-control to 
compel ourselves thus to do our duty. 
I shall rejoice if any words of mine 
lead you to test for yourself the truth 
of what I have said. 

Self-control should extend to our 
speech, temper, and pleasures. To be 
able to control the tongue is rightly 
esteemed one of the greatest of moral 
achievements. You remember what the 
apostle James says, that "if any man 
offend not in word, the same is a per- 
fect man, and able also to bridle [con- 
trol] the whole body." It is so easy to 
say cross or unkind words ; so easy to 
make slighting or gossiping remarks 
about companions or friends ; so hard 
to efface the painful effects of such 
hasty or ill-considered speech. It is so 
easy to make a petulant or disrespect- 
ful reply to parents or teachers when 
they reprove ; so much harder, yet so 
much better, to acknowledge a fault 
und feel and express sorrow for wrong- 



20 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

doing. Your own conscience and con- 
sciousness tell you how much happier 
you feel when you have done the latter. 
Yet you need, over and over again, to 
fortify yourself against temptation to 
hasty or ill-natured or improper speech 
by determining beforehand that you 
will not give way to the temptation; 
that you will control yourself. And 
whenever you have allowed yourself to 
be overcome by such temptation you 
should make it the occasion of serious 
reflection and earnest resolve to be 
more guarded in future. You will 
have attained a great deal in the direc- 
tion of high and noble character when 
you have learned to control your speech. 
It is the same in regard to controlling 
your temper. But there is one truth 
of which I can assure you : If you will 
learn to be silent and not speak at all 
when you feel that your temper is get- 
ting or has gotten the better of you, you 
will soon get the better of your temper. 



SELF-CONTKOL AND SELF-CULTURE. 21 

There is no such efficient discipline for 
a hasty temper as determined, self-im- 
posed silence. Then, too, there is a 
dignity about silence under provocation 
that is impressive and effective. The 
greatest disadvantage at which any 
person can be placed in the eyes of 
companions and friends is that of losing 
control of one's tongue as well as of 
one's temper. In nearly every case 
where we receive provocation or affront, 
speech may be silver, but " silence is 
golden." The person who keeps con- 
trol of his temper controls everyone. 

Self-control, once acquired, will be 
the most important factor in helping to 
shape your life rightly in every direc- 
tion. It will keep you from hurtful 
indulgence in mere pleasure; from 
harmful indulgence in rich or im- 
proper foods; from too much dissipa* 
tion of time and thought in social en- 
joyment. It will help you to leave the 
society of companions and other pleas- 



22 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

ures in order to put your mind upon 
your studies or your tasks; help you, 
when you find lessons hard and long, 
and that earnest work is required to 
learn them, to perform that long and 
earnest work; help you, when you feel 
disposed to give way to indisposition or 
indolence, to hold steadily on till your 
tasks, no matter what they are, are ac- 
complished. 

And as good behavior is the root of 
good manners, so self-control is the 
root of all true self- culture. We hear 
a great deal now-a~days about culture, 
cultured people, cultivated society, etc. , 
and it is a good and natural wish to 
possess culture and to be classed among 
cultured people. Intelligence and good 
manners are the only passport into the 
charmed circle. Self-control will en- 
able us to become possessed of both. 
It will enable us to restrain ourselves 
from all rude, loud, hasty, ungentle 
speech and action, help us to modulate 



SELF-CONTROL AND SELF-CULTUEE. 23 

our voices, and even cultivate our 
laughter. It will also enable us, 
through mental application and effort, 
to acquire knowledge. So abundant 
are the intellectual treasures now 
brought within the reach of everyone 
by the cheapness of standard educa- 
tional works of every kind, that the 
young person who is not intelligent 
through reading and study has only 
himself or herself to blame. Self-con- 
trol will help you to study and learn 
faithfully when you are in school ; it will 
help you to decide upon and carry out 
some useful course of reading and 
study if you are not in school; and 
this, even though you have many other 
duties to perform. In every town and 
village may be found persons compe- 
tent to advise and direct courses of 
study and reading for those who have 
the energy to pursue them. You will 
have no excuse at any period of your 
life for failure to progress and improve 



24 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

intellectually, except your own inability 
to compel yourself to make use of the 
opportunities that lie all around you. 
if is hardly necessary for me to re- 
mind you of what you know so well, 
that in reading you should choose only 
the best books. We may without harm 
divert the mind for a little each day by 
light miscellaneous reading, but young 
people especially need to be warned 
against indiscriminate novel or story 
reading. Here again the virtue of self- 
control comes in to help do the right 
and avoid the wrong. If you discover 
that your taste is more for the improb- 
able highly-wrought pages of fiction 
than for such works as are known to 
everyone as standard and improving, 
let it be a sign to you that you should 
summon your self-control and compel 
yourself to a different sort of reading. 
If you find that you cannot relish or fix 
your mind upon standard works of his- 
tory, biography, travel, or any of the 



SELF-CONTROL AND SELF-CULTURE. 25 

many excellent books written to bring 
scientific knowledge within the com- 
prehension of the general reader, then 
you may conclude rightly that your 
mind is in a very uncultivated state. 

Your own efforts and determination 
— in other words, your power of self- 
control — alone can effect anything 
worthy in self- culture. To attain the 
power of self-control in a high degree 
is one of the greatest and most import- 
ant aims we can set before us in life. 
I do not believe it can ever be attained 
in our own strength. To rightly con- 
trol temper and speech and conduct re- 
quires help from the divine Spirit 
which is always around and over us, 
and within us, if we will but let our 
hearts be receptive to its influences. 
The greatest possible help to self-con- 
trol is to learn in the moment of temp- 
tation to lift the heart to God in earn- 
est aspiration for His help and guid- 
ance. A sense of the presence of God 



26 LETTEES TO A DAUGHTER. 

is always a strength and help when we 
are conscious of earnest effort to do 
right. The Bible says: "It is God 
that worketh in yon both to will and to 
do of his good pleasure." It is one of 
the great mysteries and yet one of the 
most evident truths of life, that we 
must work ourselves, and that God 
works in and with us, to accomplish 
any good thing. That you may know 
and realize this truth, and learn to find 
for yourself the comfort and support 
and strength of soul that comes from 
seeking after God, is my most earnest 
hope and prayer for you. 



LETTER III. 

AIMS IN LIFE. 

My Dear Daughter: — There is no 
disputing the fact that in making plans 
for life very different motives and aims 
influence young girls from those which 
influence young men, Every right- 
minded and affectionate-natured young 
girl looks forward to, and hopes most 
of all to have, a home of her own, 
which it shall be her life-work to keep 
and guide. To prepare herself rightly 
to fulfill all the duties that belong to the 
mistress of a home, should be the one 
all-embracing aim of any young girl's 
life; but with this should be other 
aims, which may help to prepare her 
for vicissitudes, emergencies, or disas- 
ters, and also give her worthy occupa- 
tion and interest in life should she 



28 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

never be called to the duties of a wife 
and mother. 

To speak first of preparation to be- 
come the mistress of a home, should 
Providence have such a future in store. 
What qualities are needed to insure 
that a woman shall be a happy home- 
keeper? Certainly, a good temper, a 
cheerful disposition, a willingness to 
give time and thought to the details of 
home-keeping, commonly called domes- 
tic cares, habits of order and neatness, 
and good health, so that one may both 
give and receive pleasure while dis- 
charging the duties of the home. 

This thought of a possible future 
home, the abode of love and happiness, 
should be the greatest safeguard to 
every young girl in her acquaintance 
and association with young men. A 
high ideal of the exclusiveness of that 
affection which must be the foundation 
of every true and happy home, should 
constrain every young girl to exercise 



AIMS IN LIFE. 29 

the greatest possible caution in regard 
to the advances of acquaintances of the 
opposite sex. Not that there should be 
a prudish self-consciousness of manner, 
or a disposition to suspect matrimonial 
intentions in every young gentleman 
who is friendly and polite to her, but 
that all young men should be firmly 
prevented from coming into any inti- 
macy of acquaintance or relationship 
that might cause unhappy and morti- 
fying reflection in after-time. Treat 
all young men kindly and respectfully, 
if they are polite and respectful to you. 
Scorn to encourage any to make ad- 
vances which you know you will one 
day repel. But in discouraging such 
advances, be kind and respectful. 
Never do or say anything wilfully to 
wound and give pain to the feelings. 
Remember that the sharpest grief of 
life, as well as its greatest happiness, 
is connected with the love-making peri- 
od in the life of all good young peo- 



30 LETTEKS TO A DAUGHTER. 

pie, and never treat with frivolity or 
rudeness any earnest feeling on the 
part of anyone. The young girl who 
can rudely repulse the sincere advance 
of any honorable young man has some 
defect in her moral and affectional na- 
ture. And as for any advance by a 
gentleman, young or old, that is not 
respectful or sincere, a young girl is 
much to blame if it ever happens more 
than once. Chaffing and teasing about 
beaux and courtship and marriage are 
very unbecoming, and blur that deli- 
cacy of feeling which is the greatest 
charm in the relation between young 
people of opposite sexes. 

Cherishing as the happiest ideal of 
life the possible future home of your 
own, you should still remember that 
it may never be yours, and should 
make such other provision for living 
your life as shall help you to the next 
best thing. The first and highest 
good, next after a home of your own, 



AIMS IN LIFE. 31 

is to be able to render to the world 
some service for which it will pay you, 
thus making you independent and en- 
abling you to shape your life as you 
wish. You and all young girls of the 
present generation are happy in having 
avenues of useful remunerative occupa- 
tion open to you on every hand, and 
society smiles and approves if you 
work at something to win independence 
and make money. It is scarcely neces- 
sary to remind you that in order to do 
effective paying work you must choose 
some specialty and acquire skill in its 
exercise before you can hope to earn 
any considerable wages or salary. 
While perfecting yourself in the spe- 
cialty you will have abundant opportu- 
nity to observe that it takes patience, 
perseverance, and determination, to do 
any kind of work well. One great rea- 
son why so many fail of making any 
success in life is that they have not the 
power of sticking steadily to their work. 



32 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

They get tired, and want to stop; 
whereas the true worker works though 
he is tired — works till it doesn't tire 
him to work; works on, unheeding the 
numerous temptations to turn aside to 
this or that diversion. There are now 
so many fields of honorable and pro- 
fitable employment open to young 
girls that it is only necessary for you 
to choose what you will do. But make 
a choice to do something useful and 
worthy of your powers. You will be 
happier, and you will be a better and 
nobler woman, for so doing. You will 
be spared the discontent and restless- 
ness of spirit which characterize the 
girl with nothing in particular to do, 
and who often becomes on this account 
a nuisance to all earnest people around 
her. 

In order to fulfill aright the duties 
of any relation of life, the first require- 
ment, the greatest necessity, next to a 
firm resolution and will, is good health. 



AIMS IN LIFE. 33 

Without good health there is no sub- 
stantial foundation for anything earth- 
ly. Good health is the fountain of 
human enjoyment and the greatest 
of earthly riches. It is the great beau- 
tifier; it is the great preservative of 
good looks. How strange, then, that so 
many girls are so careless, so provok- 
ingly careless, of this priceless blessing ! 
How strange that they will wear cloth- 
ing that they know tends to break down 
their health; tight corsets that com- 
press the lungs and spoil the natural 
shape of the body ; tight shoes that in- 
terfere with the circulation of blood, 
and make their noses and hands red, 
and give them predisposition to colds 
and coughs and nervous headaches, all 
of which put to severe tests the pa- 
tience and affection of those around 
them. Good health is always attract- 
ive; ill-health, invalidism, nervous- 
ness, are very apt to be repellant. Bet- 
ter good health than beauty, if one 



34 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

were obliged to choose — which one is 
not, for good health is one of the chief 
elements of beauty. 

So, if yon aim first to be good and 
kind and intelligent and industrious 
and skillful, so that you may be fitted 
to guide and adorn a home should you 
be blessed with one, or to be fitted to 
shape your life to usefulness and inde- 
pendence if you never have a home of 
your own, and if in connection with 
these aims you seek to obtain and pre- 
serve good health, you will, so far as 
this life is concerned, "be thoroughly 
furnished unto all good works." You 
will become a noble woman, whose 
adorning will be not alone of the out- 
ward appearance, but of the inner life 
and of the soul — an adorning which, 
according to St. Paul, "is in the sight 
of God of great price." 



LETTER IV. 

PERSONAL HABITS. 

My Dear Daughter: — The power of 
winning love and friends, which is such 
a precious possession to all young peo- 
ple, especially to young girls, will, in 
connection with good behavior and good 
manners, depend very largely upon cer- 
tain personal habits, chief among which 
are order, neatness, promptness, and 
cheerfulness. 

The girl or woman who is personally 
disorderly and untidy in her room and 
dress puts a great strain upon the pa- 
tience and affection of all those associ- 
ated with her who are possessed of 
refined and cultivated tastes. In fact, 
I believe there is nothing so disenchant- 
ing, so contrary to ideal young woman- 
hood, as a lack of neatness and tidiness 

(35) 



36 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

in person and dress. This wonderful 
physical organism with which we have 
been endowed depends for its perfection 
and health and attractiveness upon the 
care we give it. The teeth, the hair, 
the complexion, are all dependent for 
their beauty — and it is quite right that 
we should strive to make them beauti- 
ful — upon constant attention to those, 
conditions which insure their health 
and perfection. And the most impor- 
tant of these conditions is cleanliness. 
At the present time, no young girl can 
hope for recognition or welcome in 
refined and cultivated society, upon 
whose teeth tartar and other discolor- 
ing deposits are allowed to accumulate ; 
whose breath is not pure and sweet; 
whose hair is muggy and untidily kept ; 
whose finger nails are neglected and 
dark at the edges. These things may 
seem trifles, but they are not, for they 
are the outward expression of an inward 
grace ; all these marks really reveal 



PERSONAL HABITS. 31 

character. An untidy girl may he tal- 
ented and good-tempered, but she lacks 
one of the most essential qualities for 
gaining and retaining respect and affec- 
tion. 

The room of any young girl is a 
great revealer of character in respect 
to real refinement and purity of taste, 
especially if one comes upon it some- 
what unawares. Not very long since, I 
was called by unexpected circumstances 
to spend a day or two at the house of 
a friend, where, owing to the severe 
illness of two members of the family, 
the spare rooms were not available 
and I was without delay or warning 
shown to the private room of a young 
lady member of the family. It was 
a low attic room with a deep dor- 
mer window, and, seen unfurnished, 
might be regarded as unattractive in 
size and shape. But the impression 
it made as I entered and surveyed it 
was of refinement, beauty, repose, and 



38 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

purity. The furniture was plain, but the 
bed was made up so beautifully, and 
looked so inviting in its snowy cover- 
ing, that I did not notice whether the 
bedstead was fine or plain. The carpet 
and papering of the room were of light 
neutral tints, and the broad sloping 
walls which made the sides of the dor- 
mer window were ornamented, the one 
with a long branch of dogwood blos- 
soms, the other with graceful groupings 
of poppies and swamp grass, painted 
thereon by the occupant of the room 
herself. A wicker rocking-chair had a 
cushion of bright-colored satine firmly 
tied in, and matching the ribbons which 
were drawn through the bordering in- 
terstices of the chair. A small table, 
another chair, a footstool, and two or 
three simple pictures on the walls, 
along with wash - stand and bureau, 
completed the furnishing of a room 
that instantly attracted and delighted 
the beholder. But the impression 



PERSONAL HABITS. 39 

above all others that the room gave 
was of perfect purity and sweetness and 
health ; and this was due to the beau- 
tiful tidiness and cleanliness every- 
where apparent. Wash-stand and bu- 
reau were in perfect order, with their 
white mats, clean towels, and every 
accessory of a refined lady's toilet. The 
wide deep closet was filled with the 
appurtenances of a young lady's ward- 
robe, but was strikingly neat and 
attractive. Shoes and slippers were 
laid neatly in a certain place on the 
shelves ; articles of clothing that are 
usually difficult to dispose of in an 
orderly manner, all had an appropriate 
place, and so neatly and tidily was 
everything arranged that one felt sure 
the purity and order extended to the 
most secret recesses of every place in 
the room. There was no danger in any 
direction of coming upon anythiog that 
was not in keeping with the room of a 
refined and delicate young girl. The 



40 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

drawers of bureau and wash-stand, as I 
happened to have opportunity to ob- 
serve them, were as sweet and clean 
and orderly as the rest of the room. I 
felt better acquainted with the charac- 
ter of that young girl after two days 
occupation of her beautifully kept and 
appointed room than a year of ordinary 
acquaintance would have given me. 

And while I am on the subject of an 
orderly and daintily kept room, let me 
tell you that the modern bane of order 
and neatness in a house is too many 
trivial and useless things, intended 
perhaps for ornament, but confusing 
to the eye, offensive to good taste, and 
more effective for catching dust than 
for anything else. The multiplication 
of cheap picture - cards, wall - pockets, 
brackets, and all sorts of little useless 
knicknacks, has helped on this confu- 
sion, till one is almost tempted to 
regard them as nuisances. A few of 
these ornamental trifles, arranged with 



PERSONAL HABITS. 41 

an eye to a certain unity of design, 
may do very well ; but, as William 
Morris, the great apostle of true decor- 
ative art in England, has said, " Bet- 
ter pure empty space than unworthy 
and confusing ornament." You may 
have heard it related of the great nat- 
uralist, Thoreau, that he made a collec- 
tion of stones during his rambles, and 
placed them on his writing-table; but 
when he found he had to dust them 
every day, he threw them away. 

This same general principle applies 
to dress. Too many little trivial orna- 
ments will destroy the character and 
dignity of any costume. Better one or 
two ornaments of good quality, or bet- 
ter none at all, than half a dozen of 
poor quality. And in regard to a 
young girl's wardrobe, the same fun- 
damental rule prevails: if every article 
of apparel is not daintily clean, it is 
unbecoming and unworthy a refined 
personality. Soiled laces and soiled 



42 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

ribbons are to be shunned ; but bet- 
ter untidiness and soil of the outward 
apparel than of that which we know by 
the general name of underwear, which 
is far more personal and important than 
the outward costume. The more refined 
the character and taste of any young 
girl, the more particular will she be in 
the matter of all articles of apparel that 
are private to herself, that they shall at 
least be daintily neat and clean. I need 
not say to you how disenchanting it is 
to see a young lady's foot with a shoe 
half buttoned because half the buttons 
are gone ; or to see a slipper slip off 
and disclose neglected and untidy hose. 
No young girl of proper self-respect or 
refinement will ever tolerate any such 
blemishes in her wardrobe. 

Next in importance to habits of order 
and personal neatness comes the habit 
of promptness. The girl who loiters 
and dawdles and keeps people waiting, 
who is behindhand with her work as 



PERSONAL HABITS. 43 

well as in keeping her appointments, 
who is never ready at meal-time, but 
who is always ready with some excuse 
for such annoying conduct, is a house- 
hold nuisance, a really painful trial to 
all who are brought into intimate rela- 
tions with her. How often have I 
wished it were possible to arouse the 
consciousness of daughters in comfort- 
able homes to the pain and inconven- 
ience they give their parents and 
friends by a habitual lack of prompt- 
ness! For my own part, I remember 
how my conscience was first aroused, 
in my youth, on this point. I was 
reading a book written for young girls 
by Jane Taylor — a writer I wish were 
in print now — when I came across this 
instruction: " When you hear the bell 
ring for meals, rise immediately, leave 
whatever you are doing, and at once 
go to the table." Just as I was read- 
ing this sentence the bell rang, and I 
immediately obeyed the summons. I 



44 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

noticed that my mother needed my 
help in seating the younger children at 
the table and attending to their wants, 
and I gave her my assistance. Some- 
how the meal seemed to pass off more 
pleasantly than usual, and I felt my 
conscience prick me that I had so 
often given my mother trouble by loi- 
tering and delaying at meal-time. I 
resolved that henceforth I would be 
promptly on hand to help her. From 
that time there was a marked change 
for the better in the ease with which 
our family meals were served, and all 
because I was always promptly on hand 
to help my mother. I do not know that 
she or any of the family knew or 
noticed the reason, but I was very well 
aware of it. It was really a kind of 
turning-point in my habits of life and 
usefulness at home. To this day I 
never hear a bell ring for meals, with- 
out the injunction of Jane Taylor com- 
ing into my mind: "Rise immediately, 



PERSONAL HABITS. 45 

leave whatever you are doing, and go 
at once to the table." I can assure you, 
my child, it would add greatly to the 
comfort and happiness of many houses, 
and greatly relieve many an overtaxed 
mother, if this good old-fashioned direc- 
tion were heeded not only by daughters 
but by other members of the family 
also. 

And if now, in addition to these good 
habits, you cultivate the habit of cheer- 
fulness, and earnestly guard against 
temptation to fretfulness, moroseness, 
or impatience, you will be well started 
on the way towards a useful and lovely 
womanhood. A good daughter in a 
home is a well-spring of joy, an ever- 
fresh source of delight and consolation 
to her parents. Especially is she the 
stay and support and strength of her 
mother, the happiness of whose life de- 
pends so largely upon the respectful 
and affectionate conduct and attentions 
of her children. 



LETTER V. 

SOCIETY — CONVERSATION. 

My Dear Daughter: — To give and 
receive pleasure in those pleasant as- 
semblages and meetings of acquaint- 
ances and friends known by the gen- 
eral name of society, is one of the 
worthy minor aims of life. It is one 
of the marks of an advancing state of 
intelligence and culture, when an as- 
semblage of gentlemen and ladies can 
pass delightful hours in the mere in- 
terchange of thought in conversation. 
And while games and other amuse- 
ments may serve for a temporary vari- 
ety (always excepting games known as 
" kissing-games," which should be 
promptly tabooed and denounced, and 
ever will be in truly refined society), 
yet animated and intelligent conversa- 

(46) 



SOCIETY CONVERSATION. 47 

tion must always hold the first place in 
the list of the pleasures of any refined 
society circle 

How shall a young girl fit herself to 
enjoy and to afford enjoyment in gen- 
eral society ? Certainly the first requis- 
ites are intelligence, a good knowl- 
edge of standard literature, a general 
knowledge of the more important events 
that are taking place in the world, and 
such a knowledge of the best current 
literature as may be obtained from the 
regular reading of one or two of the 
standard monthly magazines. 

And here it may help you if I par- 
ticularize a little in regard to a knowl- 
edge of important events of the day and 
also of general and current literature. 
Of course the main source of knowledge 
of the more important events that are 
going on in the world is the daily or 
weekly newspaper; and yet there is 
scarcely any reading so utterly demor- 
alizing to good mental habits as the 



48 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

ordinary daily paper. More than three- 
fourths of the matter printed in the 
"great city dailies" is not only of no 
use to anyone, but it is a positive dam- 
age to habits of mental application to 
read it. It is a waste of time even to 
undertake to sift the important from 
the unimportant. The most that any 
earnest person should attempt to do 
with a daily paper is to glance over the 
headlines which give the gist of the 
news, and then to read such editorial 
comments as enable the reader to un- 
derstand the more important events and 
affairs that are transpiring in the world 
so that reference to them in conversa- 
tion would be intelligent and intelli- 
gible. But if one should never see a 
daily paper, yet should every week 
carefully read a digest of news pre- 
pared for a good weekly paper, one 
would be thoroughly furnished with all 
necessary knowledge of contempora- 
neous events, and the time thus saved 



SOCIETY CONVERSATION. 49 

from daily papers could be profitably 
employed in other reading. 

The field of literature is now so vast 
that no one can hope to be well ac- 
quainted with more than a small por- 
tion of it. Yet every well-informed 
young person should know the general 
character of the principal writers 
since the time of Shakespere, even 
though one should never read their 
works. You may remember how, in 
the recently finished novel of " The 
Rise of Silas Lapham," the novelist, 
with a few sentences, shows how ridic- 
ulous a really beautiful and amiable 
girl with a high-school education may 
make herself in conversation by her 
lack of knowledge of standard litera- 
ture. She was telling a young gentle- 
man where the book-shelves were to be 
in the splendid new house being built 
by her father, and suggesting that the 
shelves would look nice if the books 
had nice bindings. 
4 



50 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

" ' Of course, I presume,' said Irene v 
thoughtfully, ' we shall have to haves. 
Gibbon.' 

" ' If you want to read him,' said Corey, 
with a laugh of sympathy for an imagin- 
able joke. 

"'We had a good deal about him in 
school. I believe we had one of his books 
Mine's lost, but Pen will remember.' 

" The young man looked at her, and 
then said seriously, ' You '11 want Green, 
of course, and Motley, and Parkman.' 

" ' Yes. What kind of writers are they ? ' 

" 'They 're historians, too.' 

"'Oh, yes; I remember now. That's 
what Gibbon was. Is it Gibbon or Gib- 
bons ? ' 

" The young man decided the point with 
apparently superfluous delicacy. ' Gib- 
bon, I think.' 

"'There used to be so many of them,' 
said Irene, gaily. ' I used to get them 
mixed up with each other, and I couldn't 
tell them from the poets. Should you 
want to have poetry ? ' 

" ' Yes. I suppose some edition of the 
English poets.' 



SOCIETY — CONVEESATION. 51 

" ' We don't any of us like poetry. Do 
you like it ? ' 

"'I 'ra afraid I don't, very much,' Corey 
owned. ' But of course there was a time 
when Tennyson was a great deal more to 
me than he is now.' 

" 4 We had something about him at 
school, too. I think I remember the name. 
I think we ought to have all the American 
poets.' 

" i Well, not all. Five or six of the best ; 
you want Longfellow, and Bryant, and 
Whittier, and Emerson, and Lowell.' 

" ' And Shakespere,' she added. ' Don't 
you like Shakespere's plays ? . . . We 
had ever so much about Shakespere. 
Were n't you perfectly astonished when 
you found out how many other plays there 
were of his ? I always thought there was 
nothing but " Hamlet," and " Romeo and 
Juliet," and " Macbeth," and " Richard 
III.," and " King Lear," and that one that 
Robson and Crane have — oh, yes, " Com- 
edy of Errors ! " ' " 

So you see how ridiculous this young 
girl, by the betrayal of such ignorance, 



52 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

made herself in conversation with a 
cultured young gentleman whose good 
opinion she was most anxious to win. 
And yet, to talk too much about books 
is not well ; it often marks the pedan- 
tic and egotistic character. It is safe 
to say that unless one happens to meet 
a very congenial mind among convers- 
ers in general society, to introduce the 
subject of books is liable to be miscon- 
strued. It is not very long since an- 
other popular modern novelist held up 
to scorn and ridicule the young woman 
whose particular ambition seemed to be 
to let society know what an immense 
number of books she had been reading. 
Nevertheless, one must have a good 
groundwork of knowledge of books in 
order to avoid mistakes such as poor 
Irene made in talking with young 
Corey. 

Directions and suggestions for aiding 
young people to become agreeable and 
pleasant conversers must necessarily be 



SOCIETY CONVERSATION. 53 

mainly negative. Taken for granted 
that a young person possesses anima- 
tion, good sense, intelligence, and a 
genuine interest in her companions and 
the world around her ; is observing, 
and can speak grammatically without 
hesitating ; knows the difference be- 
tween " you and I " and " you and me " 
(which I am sorry to say a great many 
young girls of my acquaintance do not, 
for I constantly hear them saying, " He 
brought you and I a bouquet," or, 
" You and me are invited to tea this 
evening"), she can almost certainly be 
a pleasant and entertaining converser 
if she avoids certain things, as, for 
instance : 

1. She must avoid talking about 
herself, her exploits, her acquirements, 
her entertainments, her beaux, etc. 
Especially should she avoid seeking to 
make an impression by frequent men- 
tion of advantageous friends or circum- 
stances. The greatest observer and 



54 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

commentator upon manners that ever 
wrote was Mr. Emerson. In one of 
his essays he says: "You shall not 
enumerate your brilliant acquaintances, 
nor tell me by their titles what books 
you have read. I am to infer that 
you keep good company by your good 
manners and better information; and 
to infer your reading from the wealth 
and accuracy of your conversation." 

2. She must avoid a loud tone of 
voice, and also avoid laughing too 
much and too easily. To laugh aloud 
is a dangerous thing, unless all noise 
and harshness have been cultivated 
out of the voice, as ought to be done in 
every good school. The culture of the 
voice is one of the most important ele- 
ments in making a pleasant converser. 
American girls and women are accused 
by cultivated foreigners of having loud, 
harsh, strident voices; and there is too 
much truth in the accusation. Nor is 
there any excuse for unpleasant, harsh, 



SOCIETY — CONVERSATION. 55 

rough, nasal tones of voice in these 
days when in every good school in- 
struction is given in the management 
of the voice for reading and conversa- 
tion. The cause of harshness and loud- 
ness is often mere carelessness on the 
part of young people. But talking in 
too loud a tone is scarcely less unpleas- 
ant to the listeners than the use of too 
low a tone, which is generally an affec- 
tation. 

3. She must avoid frequent attempts 
at wit; avoid punning, which is the 
cheapest possible form of wit; and 
avoid sarcasm. The talent for being 
sarcastic is a most dangerous one. No 
one ever knew a sarcastic woman who 
could keep friends. The temptation to 
be bright and interesting and to attract 
attention by the use of sarcasm is very 
strong, for nearly all will be interested 
in it and enjoy it for a little. But were 
I obliged to choose between sarcasm 
and dullness in a young girl, I shouli 



00 LETTEES TO A DAUGHTER. 

prefer dullness. Happily, this is not 
a necessary alternative. 

4. She must avoid a kind of joking 
and badinage that should never be 
heard among well-bred young people 
in society — that about courtship and 
marriage. Much harm, much blunting 
of fine sensibilities, much destruction 
of that delicate modesty which is the 
priceless dower of young girlhood, 
comes of such jesting and joking where 
it is permitted without restraint or re- 
proof. A young girl may not be called 
upon to reprove it, but she certainly 
can shun the company of those who are 
given to such vulgarity (for no other 
term will rightly describe it), and she 
can certainly refrain from joining in 
any conversation of this description. 

Always remember that to be a good 
converser you must be a good listener. 
Yery often people acquire a pleasant 
reputation and popularity in society by 
the exercise of this talent alone — that 



SOCIETY CONVERSATION. 5 7 

of listening with attention and interest 
to what other people say. Be espe- 
cially careful to avoid interrupting one 
who is speaking. Many a fine and 
noble thought, many an interesting 
discussion, is broken off and lost by 
the irrelevant interruption of some 
thoughtless person. One reason why 
the art of conversation has so degener- 
ated in these days is that so few have a 
real interest in hearing the fine thoughts 
of good thinker and talkers. So many 
people want to talk about themselves, 
or their affairs, that it is in many 
circles almost an impossibility to main- 
tain a high and elevating conversation. 
Until years and experience, as well as 
wide reading and information, have 
given you the right to express freely 
your opinions in society, it will be well to 
listen a great deal more than you speak, 
especially when in the company of your 
elders. Avoid all sentimentality, or 
the discussion of subjects that would 
expose the private and sacred feelings 



OS LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

of the heart. Do not quote poetry ; do 
not ask people's opinions on delicate 
and individual questions. I have heard 
a young boarding-school graduate em- 
barrass a whole room-full of excellent 
and educated people by asking a young 
gentleman if he did not think Longfel- 
low very inferior to Lowell in his love 
poems. Among those of your own age 
let what you have to say relate to 
everything more than to the doings or 
sayings of other people. In this way 
you will avoid that bane of social con- 
versation — gossip. In all social rela- 
tions, strive to throw your influence for 
that which is faithful, sincere, kind, 
generous, and just. Have a special 
thought and regard for those who may 
labor under disadvantages; be espe- 
cially kind to the shrinking and timid, 
to the poor and unfortunate. Strive to 
be worthy of the confidence and respect 
and love of your associates, and all 
your relations to society will be easily 
and naturally and happily adjusted. 



LETTER VI. 

ASSOCIATES AND FRIENDS. 

My Dear Daughter: — When I was a 
young girl, I well remember that my 
parents judged who were and who were 
not desirable and proper associates for 
their children, chiefly by reference to the 
parents and family of our young com- 
panions. It was taken for granted that 
the children of good, honorable, Chris- 
tian people, who strove to train their 
children to obedience and a conscien- 
tious life, would be suitable companions 
for us; and this criterion in nearly 
every instance proved to be a true one. 
In only one instance, indeed, did it 
fail; and I well remember the shock it 
gave a whole circle of young people, 
when a young companion, the son of 
an eminent clergyman, was sent home 

C59) 



60 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

on account of his language and conduct 
after one week's visit among friends, 
when it had been expected by all that 
he would stay two or three months. 

But in these days this criterion of 
family and parentage is insufficient; 
for, sad as it may seem, the children of 
really excellent parents are often so 
derelict in duty, so lacking in conscien- 
tiousness, so idle and aimless and friv- 
olous, that their companionship should 
be dreaded for susceptible young peo- 
ple, especially for young girls. One 
thing is very certain: that in these 
days young people, when out of sight 
of their parents, often act and talk in a 
way which they certainly would not do 
in their parents' presence. And that 
is truly a distressing fear which often 
comes to the hearts of excellent and 
faithful parents, that the conduct of 
their children when out of their sight 
and restraint may be totally at vari- 



ASSOCIATES AND FRIENDS. 61 

ance with all they have been taught 
in regard to right and proper conduct. 

Now all people, old or young, are 
influenced in conduct somewhat by 
their associates and friends ; but young 
people especially are susceptible to the 
influence of example. And it is a pain- 
ful but well known fact that young 
people are much more easily and 
quickly influenced by bad example than 
by good. One frivolous, vain, forward, 
pert young girl, coming for a season 
into association with a company of 
young people, may in a few short 
weeks make her impress on the manners 
and conversation of the whole of them. 
Her slang expressions will be adopted; 
her loud manners and eccentricities of 
dress will be imitated; her frivolity 
and dislike for any of the serious du- 
ties of life will prove contagious. 

For you, and for any young girl, I 
would consider dangerous and harmful 
intimate association with: 



62 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

1. The young girl who, either from 
circumstances or natural disposition, 
does not compel herself, or is not com- 
pelled, to do something — to study her 
lessons and take some useful share in 
every-day duties. " Nothing to do is 
worse than nothing to eat," said a great 
man, Thomas Carlyle ; and observing 
parents or teachers know this to be es- 
pecially true of young people. It makes 
no difference that they don't want to 
do anything or to exert themselves. 
The very absence of exertion makes 
them weak and indisposed to effort. It 
is a lamentable lack at the present time 
among a large proportion of the daugh- 
ters of comfortable and refined homes, 
that they have small physical strength 
and no qualities of endurance at all. 
They are " all tired out " if they sweep 
and dust or do housework for an hour 
or two, or take a half - mile walk on an 
errand, or sew continuously for an 
hour. Yery likely they will want to 



ASSOCIATES ANDFRIEND3. 63 

lie down and rest an hour after such 
exertion. This is all the result of un- 
exercised muscles and mental indo- 
lence. That mother was quite right, 
who, when her boarding-school daugh- 
ter complained that it made her arms 
ache to sweep, replied : " Well, you 
must sweep till it doesn't make them 
ache." Mind and body both grow 
strong through exercise. Unexercised 
muscles, of course, will be weak and 
flabby and tire easily. But the young 
girl whom it tires to work is most 
likely on the qui vive about some folly 
or other nearly all the time. Lack 
of healthful mental and bodily occupa- 
tion and stimulus will almost certainly 
produce a craving for unhealthy excite- 
ment. Such a girl is apt to be con- 
stantly planning for mere pleasure and 
to have " a good time." And, oh ! 
what an unsatisfying, unworthy aim in 
life is this, and how pernicious in its 
effects ! Pleasure and " a good time " 



64 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

are all very well, but unless they are 
partaken of sparingly they produce a 
mental effect similar to that which the 
constant use of desserts and sweetmeats, 
instead of plain substantial food, would 
produce in the physical system. Asso- 
ciation with the idle and the mere 
pleasure - seeker is therefore to be 
guarded against, for their influence 
cannot but be harmful. 

2. Although perfection is not to be 
expected in any companion or associate, 
yet there are certain defects of charac- 
ter which are so grave that parents can- 
not afford to encourage their children 
in associating with those who exhibit 
these in a marked degree. Untruthful- 
ness ; the habit of gossiping about 
friends or acquaintances or divulging 
family privacies ; sullenness and mo- 
roseness under reproof ; rebellious and 
disrespectful expressions and conduct 
toward parents and teachers ; indiffer- 
ence to the good opinion of sensible 



ASSOCIATES AND FKIENDS. 65 

people, as shown by unusual and start- 
ling conduct in public places ; all such 
things mark the undesirable associate 
for young girls. But there are young 
girls against whom none of these com- 
plaints could be made, who are unde- 
sirable companions because they are 
wholly absorbed in love of dress and 
display and desire to be admired and 
noticed. It is generally among this 
class that we find young girls who pre- 
fer, to an altogether unreasonable and 
unbecoming extent, the society of 
young men to the society of their own 
sex. It is among these that we find 
the young lady who does not know how 
to prevent undue familiarity in the 
conduct of young men ; who will tol- 
erate, without disapprobation or pro- 
test, rude conduct on the part of young 
men. This over-eagerness for their 
society, and easy toleration of too fa- 
miliar conduct and conversation, young 
men, who are quick discerners in such 
5 



66 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

matters, are very apt to take advantage 
of. Only the best and most high-prin- 
cipled among them will refrain from 
doing so. 

I have spoken of the influence that a 
frivolous, vain, selfish companion will 
be sure to exercise over those with 
whom she is intimately associated. For 
you, as for any young girl, I would 
seek to prevent such associations. On 
the other hand, I should rejoice to see 
you form friendships with good, high- 
minded, intelligent, gentle - mannered 
girls of your own age, and should hope 
that you would mutually emulate and 
stimulate each other in all worthy aims 
and ambitions. Such friendships, how- 
ever, are seldom hastily formed. The 
gushing and violent attachments that 
sometimes spring up between young 
girls are sure to be of mushroom 
growth and duration, unless there is 
genuine character and merit in both. 
During the period of the continuance 



ASSOCIATES AND FKIENDS. 67 

of such friendships, a great deal of 
"selfishness for two" is often devel- 
oped and manifested. Very often when 
young people are visiting together their 
attentions to each other seem to make 
them forget their duties and the atten- 
tions due to other people. Here is one 
of the best tests of the true character 
of a young girl : her conduct in the 
house where she is a visitor. If she is 
truly well-mannered and kind-hearted 
she will certainly be on her guard to 
conform to the hours and habits of the 
household where she is a guest ; she 
will avoid making any demands upon 
the time of her friend that would cause 
that friend to neglect her daily duties 
or put to inconvenience the other mem- 
bers of the family. She will divide her 
attentions with all the members of the 
family, having special regard for the 
very young or the very old. She will, 
above all things, be prompt and punc- 
tual at meal-time. Her own tact and 



t>8 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

judgment will enable her to judge how 
much assistance she should offer, if any, 
to the friends she visits — a matter 
which must always be determined by 
circumstances. In some families and 
under some circumstances it might be 
a breach of decorum and an act of offi- 
ciousness on the part of a visitor to 
make any offer of assistance in the 
matter of the daily household arrange- 
ments. In other families and under 
other circumstances it might be an act 
of the kindest and best politeness to 
undertake every day during her visit a 
portion of the daily home-duties. That 
which a young girl who is a visitor in 
any family should first of all observe, 
is the wishes and convenience of the 
older people of the household. If the 
friend she is visiting should show too 
much disposition to make everything 
about the house bend to the occasion 
of the visit, the visitor should deprecate 
this, both by word and example. Every 



ASSOCIATES AND FRIENDS. 69 

mother of young daughters knows the 
difference between visitors who are 
thoughtful and deferential and helpful, 
and those whose overweening interest 
in self and selfish plans makes them 
oblivious to the convenience and wishes 
and preferences of their hostess and 
other members of the family. 

If one wished thoroughly to under- 
stand the character of any young girl, 
no better test could be applied than to 
invite her to a three weeks' family 
visit. By daily observation one could 
then learn how near in character and 
disposition, in habits and manners, she 
approached that beautiful ideal of the 
poet Lowell which I wish every young 
girl might constantly strive to imitate 
and attain to: 

" In herself she dwell eth not, 

Although no home were half so fair ; 

No simplest duty is forgot, 

Life hath no dim and lowly spot 
That doth not in her sunshine share, 



70 LETTEKS TO A DAUGHTER. 

" She doeth little kindnesses 

Which most leave undone or despise; 
For naugh*" that sets our heart at ease, 
And giveth happiness or peace, 

Is low esteemed in ner 676s 

" She hath no scorn of common things, 
And, though she seem of other birth, 
Round us her heart entwines and clings, 
And patiently she folds her wings 
To tread the humble paths of earth. 

" Blessing she is; God made her so, 
And deeds of week-day holiness 
Fall from her noiseless as the snow, 
Nor hath she ever chanced to know 
That aught were easier than to bless. 

" She is most fair, and thereunto 

Her life doth brightly harmonize; 
Feeling or thought that was not true 
Ne'er made less beautiful the blue 
Unclouded heaven of her eyes." 



LETTER VII. 

TACT — UNOBTRUSIVENESS. 

My Dear Daughter: — In one of my 
letters to you, I said that there were 
certain excellent manuals which con- 
tained important general and special 
directions concerning the forms and 
manners or etiquette of polite society, 
and that all young people should study 
and profit by some standard works of 
this kind. But there are a great many 
things pertaining to the conduct of life, 
that go to make up character and affect 
the impression we make upon those 
around us, which are not set down in 
books and cannot be imparted by set 
forms and rules. For instance, one of 
the most desirable possessions for any 
person, young or old, is tact — a power 
of moving on through life without con- 

(71) 



72 LETTEKS TO A DAUGHTER. 

stantly coming into collision with peo- 
ple and things and opinions. And yet 
no rules were ever laid down by which 
anyone can learn to acquire tact. It 
is rather the natural result of a dispo- 
sition to make people with whom we 
are associated comfortable and happy, 
since in order to do this we must con- 
stantly guard against arousing antag- 
onisms or wounding the susceptibilities 
of those around us. 

Now, to illustrate by some instances 
of lack of tact : A lady guest at a table 
where broiled ham was the meat pro- 
vided, declined to take any, and then 
added, " I don't think pork is fit food 
for any human stomach." Of course 
an embarrassment fell upon host and 
hostess and all the company, and the 
rest of the meal-time was passed in an 
ineffectual endeavor to restore conver- 
sation to a harmonious basis. What 
caused this lady to make such a re- 
mark? Simply lack of tact, which 



TACT UNOBTRUSIVENESS. 73 

means that she had not the fine sensi- 
tiveness that would prevent her from 
wounding the feelings of her friends. 
She had no delicacy of perception as 
to the reflection she cast upon her host 
and hostess by so brusquely condemn- 
ing something to which they were 
habituated. This is one instance of 
lack of tact, but here is another of dif- 
ferent character: A company of edu- 
cated people sat down at table together, 
and the conversation happened to turn 
on the question of the authorship of 
Shakespeare's plays. One lady, who 
was a recent college graduate and sup- 
posed to be possessed of an unusual de- 
gree of culture, said in a most positive 
manner: "I think the advocates of the 
theory that some one other than Shakes- 
peare wrote the plays attributed to him. 
simply show their ignorance and shal- 
lowness." An uncomfortable pause 
fell upon the company, for two of the 
best informed people present were 



74 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

entirely convinced that some one other 
than Shakespeare wrote the plays. It 
was simply lack of tact that betrayed 
this lady into a positiveness and obtru- 
siveness of statement that made others 
uncomfortable and aroused their antag- 
onism. Here is still another instance: 
One lady was introduced to another 
lady who was the wife of a gentleman 
much older than herself. After catch- 
ing the name the lady said: " Are you 
the wife of old Mr. C— ? " Of course 
everybody around who had any sensi- 
bility was pained and embarrassed by 
such a blunt, brusque question. Yet 
the lady who displayed this want of 
tact was a college graduate and the 
principal teacher in an important 
school. 

Now, no rule or rules will ever pre- 
vent anyone from doing and saying 
things which show lack of tact. Noth- 
ing will do it but the cultivation of a 
spirit of sympathy which will enable 



TACT UNOBTRUSIVENESS. 75 

one to realize how other people feel 
when their opinions and peculiarities 
or circumstances are so bluntly antag- 
onized or alluded to. I know an excel- 
lent and high-minded lady, of superior 
intellectual culture, who often complains 
that she has few friends. She says 
that she longs for the affection and 
esteem of her friends, yet, as she ex- 
presses it, she has "no personal mag- 
netism." I was once present in a lit- 
erary society of which this lady, Mrs. 
A., was a member. Another member, 
Mrs. B., made a statement about a mat- 
ter under discussion in the society, 
when Mrs. A. arose and said, bluntly: 
" That is not true." Everybody was 
astonished, and listened almost indig- 
nantly while Mrs. A. went on to show 
that Mrs. B. had simply been misin- 
formed and was mistaken. It would 
have been entirely easy and proper for 
Mrs. A. to ask permission to cor- 
rect a misapprehension on the part 



76 LETTEES TO A DAUGHTER, 

of Mrs. B., and she could have done it 
in such a way as would have wounded 
nobody's feelings. Mrs. A., while she 
complains that she has few friends, 
frequently asserts that she believes in 
saying just what she thinks. This is 
all well enough, but she says it with so 
little tact as to constantly wound the 
feelings and antagonize the opinions of 
everyone around her. 

Tact is as important in manners as 
in speech. The word is closely allied 
to the word touch, and a person who has 
good tact is really one who can touch 
people gently, carefully, kindly, in all 
the relations of life. In the animal 
creation no creature has more perfect 
tact than a well - bred kindly - treated 
household cat. You may have seen one 
of these enter a room where perhaps a 
circle of people were seated around a 
stove or open fire. Puss wants her 
warm place in front of the fire or stove, 
but she does not brusquely and rudely 



TACT — UNOBTBUSIVENESS. 77 

push her way there. No. She glides 
gently, purringly around the circle, 
rubs caressingly against this one and 
that, as though gently saying, "By 
your leave"; and when finally she 
reaches the desired spot, she lays her- 
self down so gracefully and quietly and 
curls herself up so deftly that to wit- 
ness the act really affords pleasure to 
the observer. A creature of less tact 
and grace would only appear obtrusive 
and offend and antagonize the company, 
and probably rightfully receive reproof 
and be ejected from the room. 

And so I would wish to see you and 
all young people cultivate tact ; study 
how to speak and act so as to touch 
gently all with whom you are associ- 
ated. Behind the best tact lies the 
wish to be kind and to make people 
comfortable and happy, to avoid wound- 
ing and irritating; and so it is true 
that the basis of true tact is, after all, 
the moral sentiment. 



78 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

The young person who would culti- 
vate tact in speech and manners will 
carefully gaard against obtrusiveness. 
This is a defect in the manners of so 
many people, both young and old, and 
includes such a multitude of things, 
that it is worth while to particularize a 
little upon it. Quietness, repose, order, 
are distinguishing marks of cultivated 
social life everywhere, and to people 
who are habituated to these conditions 
of life it is painful to have incongruous 
or inappropriate acts or sounds thrust 
upon their attention. Here is a gen- 
eralization that explains the reason 
why many things, harmless in them- 
selves, are unpleasant to and offend the 
taste of cultivated people. No really 
cultivated young girl will, for instance, 
open and play upon a piano in a hotel 
parlor or any other parlor at inappro- 
priate times or when it is occupied by 
strangers. She will never perform in 
public any of the duties of the toilet, 



TACT — UNOBTKUSIVENESS. 79 

such as cleaning her nails or using a 
tooth-pick. She will not eat peanuts 
or fruit or candy, or chew gum, in pub- 
lic places. In fact, I cannot imagine a 
really refined young lady chewing gum 
even in the privacy of her own room, 
so offensive is it to good taste. She 
will not descant upon bodily ailments 
in the drawing-room or at the table. 
She will not rush noisily up and down 
stairs or through the house, clashing 
doors and startling everyone with un- 
pleasant noises. She will not interrupt 
people who are conversing, to ask an ir- 
relevant question or one pertaining to 
her own affairs. She will not slap an 
acquaintance familiarly on the shoul- 
der, or make special displays of affec- 
tion or intimacy before people. She will 
if possible suppress the sudden sneeze, 
and use every effort to quiet a cough. 
She will not go uninvited into the 
private room of anyone, nor into the 
kitchen of her hostess where she is a 



80 LETTEKS TO A DAUGHTER. 

visitor. All such things really inflict 
pain upon sensitive people ; they offend 
because they obtrude; and all similar 
actions and obtrusiveness are to be 
carefully avoided by everyone who de- 
sires to acquire a true and genuine cul- 
ture of action, speech, and manners. 
It is well worth your while to think 
earnestly and often upon these things; 
to learn to understand why so many 
thoughtless actions on the part of 
young people are set down to a general 
lack of cultivation. All such obtru- 
siveness must be done away with be- 
fore we shall be able to realize the 
prayer of David, " that our daughters 
may be like corner-stones, polished 
after the similitude of a palace." 



LETTER VIII. 

WHO ARE THE CULTIVATED ? 

My Dear Daughter :— -No words in the 
English language are so ranch bandied 
about in efforts to describe or classify 
society at the present day as are the 
words " culture," " cultured," " culti- 
vated," and their antitheses. These 
are the terms that intimidate the vain, 
selfish, illiterate rich ; for to be de- 
scribed as "rich but uncultivated" is 
regarded as a greater slur upon the 
social standing of families than to be 
reported as having gained wealth by 
dishonesty or trickery. And then the 
matter is made all the harder for those 
willing to acquire a hypocritical polish 
at any expense if they can only be 
called " cultivated," from the fact tha* 
they do not know what true culture is, 

(81) 



82 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

nor are they able to recognize it when 
they see it. They are like a person 
lacking in all artistic sense, who wishes 
to buy pictures — at the mercy of every 
impostor. 

What, then, is the secret that lies 
behind the demeanor and manners of 
the cultivated man or woman, or the 
cultivated family ? What power or 
what sentiment modulates the voice to 
kind and gentle tones ; restrains the 
boisterous conversation or laughter ; 
gives such a delicate perception of the 
rights of others as to make impossible 
the dictatorial or arrogant form of ad- 
dress, the impertinent question, the 
personal familiarity, the curiosity about 
private affairs, the forwardness in giv- 
ing advice or expressing unasked opin- 
ions, the boastful statement of personal 
possessions or qualities, the action that 
causes pain or inconvenience or discom- 
fort to associates or dependents, all of 



WHO AEE THE CULTIVATED ? 83 

which are the most common forms of 
transgression among the uncultivated ? 
In his famous address on " The Pro- 
gress of Culture," delivered before a 
celebrated college society in Cambridge 
in 1867, Emerson summed up the 
whole matter in one sentence : " The 
foundation of culture, as of character, 
is at last the moral sentiment." Here 
is the whole secret in a single sentence. 
The restraining grace is "at last the 
moral sentiment." It is a fine genuine 
unselfishness that, observing how all 
these things may pain and wound, re- 
frains from doing any of them. The 
man or woman or family who can avoid 
transgressing in these particulars can 
do so habitually only as the result of 
a fine moral sentiment underlying the 
whole nature. And those who possess 
or have cultivated in themselves this 
fine moral sentiment of unselfishness, 
justice, and considerateness, will be 
surrounded by an atmosphere of cul- 



84 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

ture though their dwelling-place be an 
uncarpeted cabin, while those who lack 
this restraining grace will be "uncul- 
tivated," though their surroundings 
afford every comfort, beauty, and lux- 
ury. It should be a thought of encour- 
agement to us, and an inspiration of 
hope that we may possess the true and 
imperishable riches of a cultivated 
spirit, however poor and struggling 
our lives may be, or however barren of 
external beauty our surroundings. Cul- 
ture depends not on material posses- 
sions. In fact, the very abundance of 
conveniences and comforts and elegan- 
ces often seems to have an injurious 
and deteriorating effect on individuals 
and families by producing in them a 
selfish love of personal ease and exclu- 
siveness. On the other hand, the pain- 
ful and patient economizing of hrmble 
toilers often produces an unselfishness 
and patience and gentleness of demean- 



WHO ARE THE CULTIVATED ? 85 

or which is in effect the very finest cul- 
ture. 

In these days of specialists and artists 
and architects and upholsterers, anyone 
who has money can possess himself of 
the material surroundings of taste and 
culture. His house may be " a poem 
in stone " exteriorly, and a " symphony 
in color" in its interior adornments. 
This much of the products of genuine 
culture he may buy with money. But 
no money can buy the pearl of great 
price, the cultured spirit in the indi- 
vidual or family, without which the 
most palatial mansion is but a dead and 
lifeless shell. Lacking this moral sen- 
timent and culture, how many a hand- 
somely appointed home is the abode of 
rudeness, unkindness, selfishness, and 
misery ! The rude speech or cutting 
retort or selfish act are doubly and 
trebly incongruous when pictured walls 
and frescoed ceilings and luxurious 
surroundings of artistic beauty are the 



8b LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

silent witnesses of the vulgarity. On 
the other hand, there is opportunity for 
the display of the best and kindest and 
most cultivated manners in the humble 
home where lack of suitable furnish- 
ings and dearth of conveniences puts 
everyone's unselfishness to the test. 

I have frequently heard wise par- 
ents and teachers speak of the perplex- 
ity of spirit which they feel when they 
see that in so many instances the ac- 
quirement of accomplishments, as they 
are termed, fails to add any moral 
strength or beau by to the character of 
the young people in whose welfare and 
advancement their hearts are so en- 
tirely absorbed. This young girl sings 
and plays beautifully, paints and draws 
in a genuinely artistic manner, speaks 
French and German like a native, and 
yet she is ill-tempered and shrewish if 
circumstances happen to cross her in- 
clination. Here is a young man who is 
possessed of a fine collegiate education, 



WHO ARE THE CULTIVATED ? 87 

and who is also an excellent musician. 
Yet he can be rude and disrespectful 
to his mother, insolent to his father, 
overbearing and arrogant towards serv- 
ants and subordinates, and a perfect 
boor to his younger brothers and sis- 
ters. Both these young persons have 
uncultivated spirits. So we see that the 
cultivation of the intellectual nature, 
the acquirement of accomplishments, 
the practice of any art, the advantages 
of travel, the surroundings of elegance, 
may or may not tend to the genuine 
culture of the spirit; and as wise and 
earnest parents and teachers perceive 
this truth, they realize more and more 
that the great problem of culture, alike 
for parent and teacher, is how to develop 
the moral sentiment. 



LETTER IX. 

RELIGIOUS CULTURE AND DUTY. 

My Dear Daughter : — I have endeav- 
ored in my previous letters to give you 
a kind of outline series of directions 
and instructions in matters that per- 
tain to the ordinary every day duties of 
life. I have spoken of the motives that 
should influence your actions, and have 
tried to show you that all truly lovely 
and beautiful conduct must have a 
basis in the moral sentiment. I have 
reserved till this last letter what I have 
to say to "you on the most important 
subject of all: the infinitely momentous 
subject of religious culture and duty. 

In the first place I must explain 
that there is a great difference between 
the methods and circumstances of re- 
ligious instruction now and those which 

(88) 



EELIGIOUS CULTURE AND DUTY. 89 

surrounded the youth of the maturer 
generation. When people of the age 
of your parents were young, the habits 
of family life were such that religious 
observances held a place of first im- 
portance. All household affairs were 
arranged with reference to morning 
and evening worship, which consisted 
of singing, reading the Bible, and 
prayer. No matter how much work 
was to be done, the family must rise 
in time to allow for the performance of 
this service. Children heard so much 
about Grod, and heaven, and the life 
beyond death, that often a morbid and 
unnatural frame of mind was induced. 
Parents and instructors often forgot 
to make allowance for the fact that 
youth naturally and rightly loves and 
enjoys this life, and rightly and natur- 
ally dreads death. So much was said 
about the other world that it seemed 
almost a sin to think about or plan 
much for this. God and heaven were 



90 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

imagined as close above in the sky; 
the judgment day was ever held threat- 
eningly before us; and pictures of a 
literal lake of fire and brimstone, into 
which wicked people would be cast, 
were painted for the imagination of 
children, till, as the experience of hun- 
dreds testifies, even the most conscien- 
tious of them feared to close their eyes 
in sleep at night lest they should awake 
in that terrible place of torment. 

From this doubtless too severe and 
harsh religious regime, a reaction has 
taken place which has thrown the cus- 
toms of family life and the religious 
education of the young people of to-day 
far into the opposite extreme. The 
hurry and railroad rush of modern 
social and commercial life have short- 
ened or even cut off entirely the hours 
for family worship. In the modern 
effort to emphasize the fact that God is 
love, the other fact that sin deserves 
and receives punishment has been 



BELIGIOUS CUXTUEE AND DUTY. 91 

thrown too far into the background, 
or is ignored altogether. Regular 
reading of the Bible has become as rare 
as it formerly was universal. Irrever- 
ence and skepticism in regard to its 
truths and teachings permeate a large 
portion of society, and the general 
influence of the social life of young 
people is opposed to the cultivation or 
expression of the religious spirit or 
aspiration. All this involves the loss of 
a most valuable mental and spiritual 
discipline, and earnest parents of to-, 
day are at a loss how to supply it. 

I will press upon your attention only 
one argument for the culture of a re- 
ligious spirit, and that is the argument 
of experience. What is the universal 
testimony of those whose lives are 
really governed by the fear and love of 
a divine Creator? It is that in the 
consciousness of a desire to obey God 
and live in harmony with His laws 
they find their highest happiness. 



92 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

To everyone who lives beyond the 
earliest period of childhood, comes at 
some time or other sorrow, disappoint- 
ment, sickness, loss, bereavement. The 
great fact of death looms up at the end 
of every pathway, however bright and 
happy. The universal testimony of the 
human race, from the earliest records of 
human experience to the present time, 
is that only faith and hope in a benefi- 
cent God ruling over all events can 
sustain and comfort the human heart 
through all the changes and vicissi- 
tudes of life, and reconcile to the 
thought of death. 

Early youth is naturally happy, gay, 
care -free, and indifferent to sorrows and 
fears of which it knows nothing. But 
there comes a time to every sensible 
and earnest young heart when it real- 
izes the transitoriness of all earthly 
things, and longs for something on 
which the heart can take hold and rest. 
I do not believe any young person fails 



EELIGIOUS CULTURE AND DUTY. 93 

of this experience sooner or later. It 
is a hunger of the heart which nothing 
but the love of God can fill; and if, 
when it is first felt, the heart only 
humbly and earnestly turns to God 
with high and firm resolve to seek a 
knowledge of Him and His laws, to 
bring all actions and plans of life into 
harmony with His revealed will, the 
foundation of an enduring happiness is 
laid for this life, and doubtless for the 
life to come. 

But this desire and effort after a 
knowledge of God and obedience to His 
will do not come without a struggle. We 
are strange and mysterious creatures, 
having within us a nature that is most 
susceptible to temptations, to do evil. 
Every one of us is conscious of a strug- 
gle constantly going on in our hearts 
and lives between evil and good. The 
temptations to selfishness, greed, un- 
kindness, untruthfulness, irreverence, 
indolence, are constant and severe 



94 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

until we have by long conflict and 
repeated victory habituated our hearts 
to choosing the right. Yet every vic- 
tory over self and temptation helps us 
toward that spiritual attainment which 
will in time enable us to say, with the 
sweet psalmist of Israel: " The Lord 
is the portion of my soul; the Lord is 
the strength of my heart; the Lord is 
my light and my salvation." 

Most usually the heart first turns 
toward God with deep earnestness 
through sorrow. There are many 
griefs and burdens of life which can- 
not be alleviated or lightened in any 
way except by spiritual comfort and 
help. And this spiritual comfort and 
help are among the deepest realities of 
life. There is a strength, a happiness, 
a peace and a support in sorrow which 
the world can neither give nor take 
away. How priceless a blessing to 
possess! The saddest, darkest, most 
suffering life can be irradiated and 



RELIGIOUS CULTURE AND DUTY. 95 

uplifted and enriched by this spiritual 
blessing. The most fortunately cir- 
cumstanced life may be made poor by 
its absence. Dean Stanley tells us of 
a sister who for perhaps forty years 
was a constant sufferer from spinal dis- 
ease, and during that period almost 
constantly confined to her couch. Yet 
her countenance was irradiated with 
cheerfulness, and she seemed to inspire 
everyone who came near her with 
comfort, and with ardor and enthusiasm 
for goodness. Such examples are not 
rare. Every community knows some 
person or persons sustained in deep 
affliction, though long continued trial 
and sorrow and loss, by this unseen 
spiritual power. On the other hand, 
experience and observation show us 
constantly recurring examples of dis- 
content, peevishness, unhappiness, on 
the part of those who appear to be 
specially favored in the possession of 
the comforts and riches of this life. 



96 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

Lord Chesterfield said that, having 
seen and experienced all the pomps and 
pleasures of life, he was disgusted with 
and hated them all, and only desired, 
like a weary traveler, to be allowed " to 
sleep in the carriage" until the end 
came. But Paul the apostle, contem- 
plating the close of his eventful life of 
sorrow and suffering, said: "I have 
fought the good fight; I have finished 
the course; I have kept the faith: 
henceforth there is laid up for me the 
crown of righteousness." 

So it seems only a reasonable appeal 
to every young heart, as soon as it is 
mature enough to understand and make 
choice among the realities and verities 
of life, to choose this better part; to 
keep the heart receptive to and expect- 
ant of this divine comfort and help; to 
seek to know and obey the will of this 
God of all consolation. But this choice 
is a purely individual matter. No one 
can make another person good any more 



RELIGIOUS CULTURE AND DUTY. 97 

than he can make him happy. All 
that anyone, all that the wisest and 
best teachers and parents can do, is to 
present the arguments for and urge the 
choice of the better part. 

But if it is chosen, or if there is a 
desire to be enabled to choose it, what 
a help and stimulus comes from the 
reading and study of the Bible, espe- 
cially of the Psalms and the New Tes- 
tament! Therein are recorded every 
phase of the spiritual experiences of 
humanity in its aspiration after a 
knowledge of God. Therein are re- 
corded the words and precepts of " the 
Great Teacher sent from God," who 
said that he and the Father were one, 
and that he was sent of God to seek 
and save the lost. Here are the rec- 
ords of the compassionate expressions 
that fell from his lips as he proclaimed 
his message as the Son of God. What- 
ever other opinion men may have of 
Christ, all must confess that in his 
7 



y8 LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER. 

words to and about sinning and sor- 
rowing and suffering men and women, 
he displayed a love and sympathy such 
as earth had never known before, and 
such as it has known since, in kind, 
only in the devoted followers of Christ. 
To have the memory stored with these 
expressions or teachings, or with the 
prayers and aspirations of the psalms 
and the prophecies, is to have a foun- 
tain of comfort and consolation for the 
heart, that passes all understanding. 
But this fact of human experience you 
must accept on the testimony of those 
who have experienced it, until you have 
experienced it for yourself. 

And thus, my daughter, while I wish 
for you the possession of all the graces 
and adornments of person and char- 
acter that pertain to and are possible 
for the life that now is, how infinitely 
more do I desire for you that you may 
know God and the comforts and conso- 
lations of His word and spirit. To 
know that you had sought and found 



RELIGIOUS CULTURE AND DUTY. 99 

for yourself this knowledge, that you 
knew and sought the help of the divine 
spirit in resisting temptation to do 
wrong, that in disappointment your 
heart would turn to God for comfort, 
that in sorrow you would seek consola- 
tion in communion with God, would be 
to feel that your future happiness was 
absolutely assured. In this seeking 
after God, all things would be yours. 
And even though you had made but a 
small and weak beginning to follow on 
and know the Lord, I should rejoice in 
the assurance that the good work, hav- 
ing been begun, would be completed 
unto the end. And so I close these let- 
ters with the same summing up of all 
advice, all instruction, which more than 
four thousand years ago a prophet of 
God gave to his reflections upon the 
vicissitudes of human life : " Let us 
hear the conclusion of the whole mat- 
ter: Fear God and keep his com- 
mandments, for this is the whole duty 
of man." 



ESSENTIALS OF CULTUEE. 

A TALK WITH SCHOOL GIRLS. 

There is no more lovely or beauti- 
ful sight on earth than a well educated 
and truly cultivated young girl or 
woman. She can almost always be 
recognized at the first glance, for true 
culture — culture that includes the 
heart as well as the intellect, that ele- 
vates and gives self -poise and dignity 
to the whole nature, always leaves its 
impress upon face and manner. Re- 
pose is one of its essential characteris- 
tics; unobtrusiveness is another. The 
truly cultivated young woman never 
attracts attention to herself by any 
striking quality of dress or voice, ex- 
cept as attention may be attracted by 
quiet beauty and appropriateness of 
dress and demeanor. 
(ioi) 



102 ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 

That nature is still in a rude, unre- 
fined and uncultivated condition that 
enjoys attracting attention by any 
striking quality or peculiarity of dress, 
or obtrusiveness of voice or manner. 
This truth has been observed and es- 
pecially emphasized over and over 
again by two great American writers — 
Emerson and Lowell — the one in his 
essays, the other in his poems descrip- 
tive of lovely girlhood. Emerson was 
the most acute observer of manners 
and behavior that culture and learn- 
ing have ever produced. His very 
latest essays abound with fine and pithy 
sayings on this subject. In one of 
them he says: " The longer I live, the 
more am I impressed with the import- 
ance of manners. . . . When we 
reflect upon their persuasive and cheer- 
ing force, how they recommend, pre- 
pare and draw people together ; . . . 
when we think what keys they are, and 
to what secrets; what high and inspir- 



ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 103 

ing tokens of character they convey 
and what divination is required in us 
for the reading of this fine telegraph, 
we see what range the subject has and 
what relations to convenience and 
beauty." 

Dress is really a department of man- 
ners, and, as being the instrument of 
the first impression — agreeable or dis- 
agreeable — which we make on others, 
deserves careful and thoughtful consid- 
eration. The first and essential ele- 
ment of refined and beautiful dress is, 
as it is in fine manners, unobtrusive- 
ness. No costume that, as the good 
Anglo - Saxon phrase expresses it, 
" strikes the eye," or is evidently de- 
signed too much for effect, can possess 
this highest and best quality of dress. 
Let the texture be ever so beautiful 
and costly, let the making and orna- 
mentation be ever so artistic and ex- 
quisite, yet should it disclose its value 
and quality to the close rather than to 



104 ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 

the casual observer. The sight of a 
dress overloaded with costly trimming 
or lace is as offensive to refined, artistic 
taste as is the overloading of the per- 
son or hands with jewels. The more 
costly the dress or the jewels the greater 
the modesty with which they should be 
worn or displayed. No queen of 
Europe would now wear the Kohinoor 
under any conceivable circumstances; 
and why? Because the refined and 
cultivated taste of to-day would pro- 
nounce the wearing of the largest and 
most costly diamond in the world a 
piece of vulgar obtrusiveness which 
could have no other object than to 
cause the multitude to stare at the 
wearer. It is a sign of the improving 
taste of the age that colors are so 
largely banished from the street and 
from church. It was the ladies of the 
nobility of England who first set the 
example of wearing on the street the 
absolutety plain, tailor-made costume, 



ESSENTIALS OF CULTUEE. 105 

the appropriateness of which refined 
taste so quickly recognized. Doubtless 
the day is near at hand when all highly 
ornamental dress shall be discarded 
for the street. Lace, floating ribbons, 
nodding feathers, jewelry — all are in- 
appropriate for street costume, how- 
ever suitable they may be for home or 
places of entertainment. 

It is a great gain when a young 
woman or any one else can wear clothes 
without being conscious of them. Self- 
consciousness of any kind is always 
painful and detrimental to character 
and manners, but consciousness of 
clothes is especially annoying and de- 
structive of repose. Here again our 
good sage, Emerson, helps us out with 
his suggestions, and makes us realize 
the importance of studying the causes 
and cure of one of the most common 
embarrassments of young people. He 
says in effect: "If one has not firm 
nerves and has keen sensibility, it is 



106 ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 

perhaps a wise economy to go to a good 
shop and dress oneself irreproachably ; 
one can then dismiss all care from the 
mind and may easily find that he pos- 
sesses an addition of confidence, a for- 
tification that turns the scale in social 
encounters and allows him to go gaily 
into conversations where else he had 
been dry and embarrassed." If a 
young woman is, for any reason, not 
sure of the appropriateness of her dress 
under any given circumstances or for 
any given occasion, by all means let her 
ask of some one competent to instruct 
her in the matter. A good modiste or 
a tasteful milliner should always be 
able to give such information. Better 
than this it is to go to some refined, 
discreet woman of maturity of mind 
and judgment, and obtain the desired 
instruction. Especially should young 
girls or women coming from country 
places or villages to visit friends in 
larger cities be careful to obtain and 



ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 107 

profit by such advice and information. 
There are few hospitable residents of 
large cities who have not at some time 
or other been pained or mortified by 
the "outre" costume or "striking" hat 
of some country cousin who visits them 
and rejoices in the self-complacency of 
what she supposes to be a fine and 
tasteful wardrobe. 

Principals of schools and colleges 
for young women find one of their 
most perplexing experiences to be the 
toning down and making appropriate 
the dress of neophytes from places dis- 
tant from large cities. Often these 
are the daughters of families of wealth 
and ordinary good sense. Yet they 
will send their daughters to school 
with a wardrobe that would be more 
suitable for an actress in a variety 
theatre than for a modest, well-bred 
young woman, whose highest aim 
should be to advance in her studies. 

The truly refined dress will never 



108 ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 

admit of obtrusive display of any kind. 
" I am sure that she was well dressed, 
for I did not notice anything she had 
on," was the commendatory comment 
of a courteous and elegant man of the 
world, speaking of his meeting with a 
beautiful and cultured young woman. 
Of culture in the art of dress this un- 
obtrusiveness will ever be a true test. 
This much in regard to dress for the 
street and special occasions; but it is 
the dress at home and in the ordinary 
routine of school and every-day life that 
is the real revealer of character. Here 
neatness, tidiness and delicacy are the 
first essentials. There is a defect in the 
character of any young girl who will 
go around with buttonless or half but- 
toned shoes, with unmended rents in 
her dress, and uncared-for hair, teeth, 
and finger nails. Especially offensive 
to refined taste are spots or stains sug- 
gestive of lack of napkins at table or 
of aprons when they should be worn. 



ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 109 

It is really painful to see a dress that 
has once been beautiful and of fine 
texture, all begrimed and repulsive 
with use in household work that should 
always command for its performance a 
special, neat costume of suitable mate- 
rial. In no costume is a young girl 
more attractive and lovable than in that 
which indicates that she is engaged in 
any of the household arts, but a silk 
dress, however old, is never appropriate 
or becoming for such occasions. Noth- 
ing is ever becoming that is not appro- 
priate; and frayed and soiled trim- 
mings and laces, and outworn dresses 
of originally fine material, will never 
be seen as the working costume of the 
truly refined woman. 

To pass now to the consideration of 
other essentials of culture: 

In his essay on "Behavior" Emer- 
son says: "As respects the delicate 
questions of culture I do not think that 
any other than negative rules can be 



110 ESSENTIALS OF CULTUKE. 

laid down. What finest hands would 
not be clumsy to sketch the genial 
precepts of a young girl's demeanor? 
The chances seem infinite against suc- 
cess, and yet success is continually at- 
tained." By which we understand 
that the great sage recognized the fact 
that, notwithstanding the difficulty of 
acquiring perfect manners, and not- 
withstanding the infinite delicacy of 
the perfection possible in a young 
girl's demeanor, he saw and observed 
many who had attained it. This is an 
encouragement and an incentive to 
study and define some of the principles 
that go to make up perfect demeanor 
in a young girl or woman. 

Emerson was quite right in saying 
that, in general, only negative rules 
can be laid down. To refrain from 
unpleasant, obtrusive, or annoying 
speech or action is to be well on the 
way towards the possession of perfect 
manners. Edmund Burke, the great 



ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. Ill 

English statesman, has left an eulogy 
of his wife which is one of the most 
touching and beautiful tributes of con- 
jugal affection preserved to us in liter- 
ature, second only to John Stuart 
Mills' tribute to his wife. He says of 
her that she was not beautiful, but 
that she possessed a charm that he had 
never seen equalled in any other 
woman. "It is not the things that she 
does that attract and win, so much as 
the things she refrains from doing," 
he wrote of her. The first, best quali- 
ties of people who attract and delight 
us are repose and freedom from self- 
consciousness. Essentially allied to 
these excellent and indispensable quali- 
ties are those of modesty and unob- 
trusiveness. The well-mannered young 
girl, like the well-dressed young girl, 
does not attract attention to herself 
by anything she does or says. An 
acute observer of cultured society has 
said that a person who has no manners 



112 ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 

at all has good manners. The highest 
and best effect of the excellent Del- 
sarte system, so widely studied and 
taught in our best schools and circles 
of culture, is to make people uncon- 
sciously graceful and natural. It 
should teach us how to avoid an un- 
graceful position or attitude rather than 
instruct us how to assume a consciously 
graceful one. "She poses," was the 
just criticism of a cultivated gentleman 
who had been asked for his opinion of 
a famous authoress whose receptions 
were the events of the season in the 
great city where she lived. The lady 
had studied and learned how to stand 
or sit or receive gracefully, but the 
consciousness of the fact that she was 
doing just the right and proper thing 
was written all over her face and de- 
meanor. 

This, however, is an obtrusiveness 
of appearance only. It is a minor defect 
which almost disappears when brought 



ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 113 

into comparison with a voice or action 
or manner that obtrudes and attracts 
the attention of indifferent observers. 
The most common forms of obtrusive- 
ness among thoughtless young people 
are those of voice, speech and laughter. 
How unpleasant to be compelled to over- 
hear, in public parlor or in the street 
or railroad car, conversation of a purely 
personal nature! How shrill and un- 
cultivated the voices that rise above 
the din of train or rattle of street-car 
and convey to us the petty gossip of 
household or neighborhood. And as to 
laughter! If only young people knew 
what a revealer of secrets the laugh is 
they would, as Emerson says, " keep 
these entertaining explosions under 
strict control." The young person 
who laughs loudly and keeps on laugh- 
ing; who cannot stop the cachinations 
caused by an amusing incident or story, 
especially if the incident relates to or 



114 ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 

the story is related by the person who 
laughs, betrays almost total lack of 
culture. 

The voice in conversation and read- 
ing is another unerring revealer of 
character and culture. Its habitual 
tone is an unerring index of the inner 
nature. It is most surprising, when 
we reflect upon it, how soon the nat- 
ural, beautiful tone of babyhood and 
early childhood becomes transformed 
into the unnatural, artificial, sharp 
tone of later years. To speak plainly 
and pronounce words distinctly and 
beautifully, each word clear and dis- 
tinct as a coin fresh from the mint, is 
an almost rare accomplishment. 

One of the best "fads" of latter days 
has been the craze for classes in pro- 
nunciation which has swept over so 
many cities and social circles during 
the last year or two. But aside from 
the special matter of pronunciation the 
quality of tone in the voice deserves 



ESSENTIALS OF CULTUEE. 115 

the most careful attention of young 
people who desire to possess the best 
acquirements of culture. The nasal 
tone, the scolding tone, the whine, the 
pathetic, the wheedling, the yammer- 
ing, the fawning tone — all may be 
heard in any assemblage where num- 
bers of people talk freely. No depart- 
ment is so neglected in our schools and 
none so imperatively needs attention as 
this of conversational voice culture. 
By and by, when parents and teachers 
more fully realize this, some portion of 
the money now uselessly expended in 
giving music lessons to pupils who will 
not practice, and who will never be 
musicians, will be expended in paying 
teachers of voice culture as applied to 
conversation and ordinary reading — not 
elocution. Awaiting the happy day 
when this change shall be brought 
about, young people, especially young 
girls, need to be cautioned against ac- 
quiring any disagreeable quality or 



116 ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 

tone of voice. Loudness and shrillness 
are the qualities of voice attributed to 
American girls by critical foreigners. 
By all means and through every exer- 
cise in their power let young girls cul- 
tivate a natural, unaffected, clear tone 
of voice and possess themselves of 
"That excellent thing in woman." 
And here again we are reminded of 
the difficulty of striking the golden 
mean in sketching "the genial precepts 
of a young girl's demeanor." She 
must not talk too loudly or shrilly, or 
in such a way as to attract the atten- 
tion of the indifferent observer, yet 
neither must she speak in too low a 
tone, for that may become an affecta- 
tion even more unpleasant than the 
obtrusively loud tone. She must not 
consciously "pose" in a graceful atti- 
tude, yet neither must she be so indif- 
ferent and unconscious as to throw her- 
self into ungainly and awkward posi- 
tions. The best and most graceful 



ESSENTIALS OF CULTUEE. 117 

carriage of person seems to come from 
an inborn dignity and self-respect that 
will never allow the body to take on 
slouchy, undignified, awkward atti- 
tudes. It was remarked of a lady who 
was an eminent teacher in the days of 
our grandmothers that even when she 
became old and feeble and spent much 
of her time reclining on her couch 
there was a dignity even in the way she 
disposed of her arms and limbs that 
impressed every one, notably those 
who served her. She did this uncon- 
sciously as the result of long years of 
dignified and graceful carriage. Such 
a lady as she was could never under 
any circumstances lean on her elbows 
at table, or tilt her chair or sit with 
crossed knees or put her feet on rung 
of chair or table, even in the privacy of 
her own home and apartments. 

Conceding, then, that the young girl 
of dignified and refined demeanor will 
always avoid any action or speech that 



118 ESSENTIALS OF CULTUKE. 

will obtrude her personality upon the 
attention of the uninterested, what 
shall we say — where in the category of 
blemishes and failures of perfection 
shall we place such actions as eating 
popcorn or fruit or candy on trains or 
in public places? To say the least it 
is a questionable taste. Eating is an 
action that requires all the alleviations 
of appropriate place and circumstance 
and all the adjuncts of neatness, beauty 
and delicacy with which refined social 
life can surround it to lift it above the 
plane of the material and animal. By- 
ron is no model or competent critic of 
refined social life; yet one is reminded 
of and sympathizes with one of his 
complaints against his wife, that "he 
could not bear to see her eat," when 
one happens to sit behind a party of 
young people on the train or during 
intermission at some place of public 
entertainment, and is compelled for 
awhile to observe the munching and 



ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 119 

crunching that necessarily accompany 
the disposal of a bag of popcorn or 
peanuts or a box of candy. It would 
be a severe test of the attractiveness of 
the most beautiful and dignified lady 
in the land to see her eating grapes in 
the train and spitting the skins out of 
the window, as a young lady university 
graduate was recently seen to do. The 
highest canons of good taste and re- 
finement certainly relegate all eating 
to its appropriate time and place in the 
dining-room or at the appropriate hour 
of refreshment. 

It has been well said that "manners 
are the minor morals." A careful analy- 
sis of the causes of bad manners, espe- 
cially in young people, seems to show us 
that nearly all the offenses against the 
" minor morals " can be referred to two 
causes, selfishness and obtrusiveness. 
Under the first head can be classed all 
those offenses against good manners 
which show a disregard for the rights 



120 ESSENTIALS OF CULTUKE. 

or conveniences of others. The 
young girl who is guilty of the rude- 
ness of rushing or coming into the 
presence of older people and making 
known her own wants or requests with- 
out reference to whether she is inter- 
rupting and annoying those to whom 
she should pay deference, is both 
selfish and obtrusive. The principal 
thought in her mind is her own affairs. 
From this same cause comes forgetful- 
ness to offer to older people those small 
deferences which are so beautiful in 
young people when they are offered un- 
obtrusively. It is indeed almost rare 
in these days to meet young people 
who will moderate their voices or re- 
strain their laughter or in any way in- 
dicate by their conduct that they re- 
spect the presence and the convenience 
of older people; and this is a most la- 
mentable defect in both character and 
manners. Selfishness is the cause of 
scores of small rudenesses and disagree- 



ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 121 

able actions, and the young girl who 
finds that she is not liked by her com- 
panions can probably find out the rea- 
son if she will simply make a study of 
her own character and conduct in rela- 
tion to them. She will probably find 
that her first thought is always for her- 
self, — that she wants her way, her con- 
venience, her preferences deferred to, 
instead of being willing to yield her 
wishes and plans for the sake of the 
preferences and conveniences of others. 
But more bad manners arise from 
obtrusiveness than from any other 
cause. Obtrusiveness usually arises 
from a lack of modesty or of that beau- 
tiful humility of spirit which is ever 
the distinguishing mark of the finest 
minds. It is one of the characteristics of 
the true lady (or gentleman) that she 
never presumes. She does not think 
her own company or conversation so 
valuable that she will thrust it upon a 
friend in unseasonable hours, or unrea- 



122 ESSENTIALS OF CULTUBE. 

sonably take up her time because she 
herself may have nothing to do. The 
cultivated young girl does not approach 
two friends who are talking together 
and without invitation join or break up 
the conversation; she never intrudes 
uninvited into the private apartments of 
a friend: never looks into drawers or 
exhibits any curiosity about private 
matters. She never interrupts in con- 
versation, but listens quietly till the 
person with whom she is conversing 
finishes what he or she is saying, and 
then replies. She never indulges in 
personal familiarities; never toys in 
public with the hair, or ribbons, or rings 
of a friend or indulges in those endear- 
ments which may be very proper and 
beautiful in private, but which are at 
once vulgarized when exhibited in pub- 
lic. She does not borrow or wear the 
garments or finery of a companion ; she 
does not tell of private affairs or family 
secrets — neither her own or others ; 



ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE. 123 

she does not express positive opinions 
on subjects about which she knows but 
little or nothing at all, in the pres- 
ence of people better informed than 
herself; she does not talk about herself 
or her family and friends in general 
company; she does not offer sugges- 
tions or advice, as though her opinions 
were superior to those whom she ad- 
vises ; she does not even press attentions 
obtrusively or insist that a friend shall 
accompany her here or there, remem- 
bering that the friend may much pre- 
fer her own plans and society. In 
short, the truly cultivated young girl or 
woman is, first of all, kind of heart, and, 
second, self-centered. She is ready to 
give, but does not oppress with bestow- 
ing, and in all her conduct she shows 
that she possesses that ennobling qual- 
ity which Shakespeare calls the "girdle 
of self-restraint.' 1 

Are these small matters to be con- 
sidered in the formation and cultivation 



124 ESSENTIALS OF CULTURE 

of a beautiful character and demeanor 
in young girls? By no means. The 
difference between polish and unpolish, 
between ugliness and beauty, even in 
the diamond or gold or silver, consists 
only in the difference of arrangement 
of the infinitesimally small particles that 
lie upon the surface. We often hear 
good people spoken of as "diamonds in 
the rough," but in these days of un- 
equaled opportunity for polishing and 
making beautiful the exterior even of 
our jewels — our children — we will be 
satisfied with nothing short of perfec- 
tion, even in these minor matters. We 
will at least spare no effort nor instruc- 
tion that each young girl may be, as 
the poet Lowell beautifully expresses it, 
"Earth's noblest thing, a woman perfected." 



A LITTLE SEEMON TO SCHOOL- 
GIRLS. 

Be kindly affectioned one toward another with 
brotherly love, in honor preferring one another. 
— Bom. xii. 10. 

Whose adorning ... let it be the hidden man 
of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even 
the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit which is 
in the sight of God of great price. — 1 Peter, iii. 4. 

Wherever people are associated to- 
gether, it will always be found that 
some are more popular and beloved 
than others. Taking it for granted 
that all my young readers would 
wish to be lovely and beloved by 
those with whom they are associated, I 
wish to make a short study of some of 
those characteristics which always dis- 
tinguish a lovely or loveable person, 
and also of some characteristics which 



126 SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 

tend to make people unlovely and dis- 
agreeable. 

But if anyone should at the outset 
say, " I do not care whether people like 
me or not, I have no particular wish to 
be lovely or beloved," what could I an- 
swer ? Nothing. I could only express 
my sorrow that the better and higher 
nature of such an one was so undevel- 
oped, and that the greatest source of 
true happiness was so unknown and 
unappreciated. I could only hope that 
the conscience and the moral nature of 
such an one might be aroused and 
quickened by some good and faithful 
admonition or word of instruction. 
And right here I wish to call the 
special attention of my young friends to 
this fact : Youth is a period given up 
largely to the work of obtaining an 
education ; but education is of a two- 
fold nature. We have an intellectual 
nature and we have a spiritual or moral 
nature. The intellectual powers and 



SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIELS. 127 

faculties it is possible to educate almost 
in spite of even the distaste or aversion 
of the pupil to receiving that education. 
We can, in a measure, force a knowl- 
edge of the sciences upon even reluc- 
tant pupils. We can prove to them 
that three angles of a triangle are 
equal to two right angles, or that an 
acid and an alkali will combine to form 
a salt ; but we can never force an an- 
tagonistic nature to receive a spiritual 
truth. Your parents or teacher may 
instruct you that it is wrong to be un- 
truthful or unkind or deceitful, but 
your own inner natures alone can re- 
ceive such truths and assimilate them. 
No human being can compel another 
human being to be good. Here is 
where one of the chief anxieties and 
chief sorrows of parents and teach- 
ers arises. There is no anxiety so deep 
as the anxiety of the good that those 
they love may be good also ; no sorrow 
so poignant as the sorrow of the heart 



128 SEEMON TO SCHOOL-GIELS. 

over the willful wrong-doing of those 
near and dear. If at the close of your 
prescribed school course you should 
return to your homes, skilled in all the 
sciences, possessed of extensive knowl- 
edge of literature, fine musicians, fine 
artists, and yet selfish, ungentle, proud 
or haughty in demeanor, wanting in 
thoughtfulness for the rights and feel- 
ings of others, careless of being unkind, 
the time spent in your education would 
largely have been spent in vain. 

Among the first characteristics of a 
person who is lovely and beloved, we 
must place a kind and gentle manner 
toward all, kind words and kind deeds, 
and a restraint of hasty speech or 
action. In order to possess these qual- 
ities, it is not necessary ever to be 
obtrusive with our attentions. Some- 
times people pain us by thrusting upon 
us attentions which we do not want. 
There is a kind of oflicious attentive- 
ness which is really the expression of a 



SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 129 

species of vanity. It is true we ought 
to be observant, and if we see where we 
can really help others by offering kind 
acts or services, we ought to be willing 
to do it. But to young people associa- 
ted together as schoolmates, the oppor- 
tunity for exercising gentleness and 
kindness towards one another comes 
mostly in the line of daily work. Some 
pupils are more advanced in their stud- 
ies than others ; some have had greater 
advantages in their homes than others : 
and these differences afford an appor- 
tunity for exercising toward each other 
a spirit of kindness and gentleness. It 
is one of the most common occurrences 
in schools for pupils to come in who 
have not had the advantages which en- 
able them to know how to conduct 
themselves gracefully in society ; how 
to dress themselves ; how to use knife, 
fork, napkin, etc., properly at the table; 
and while it is of course the duty of 
teachers to instruct them in all these 
9 



130 SEEMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 

things, it is also the imperative duty of 
their companions to refrain from un- 
kind criticism or laughing at and mak- 
ing sport of blunders which may arise 
only from lack of information. Very 
often these students are "jewels in the 
rough," of the rarest and finest quality. 
You may have heard the story of 
Daniel Webster, when he came in from 
his father's farm to enter upon his col- 
legiate course, and went to board with 
one of the professors who had several 
students boarding in his family. Dan- 
iel had certainly never been taught 
good manners at the table, however 
many other good things he had been 
taught in his home, for he immediate- 
ly attracted the attention of all the 
other boarders by sitting with his knife 
and fork held upright in each hand and 
resting on the table while he masticated 
his food. The professor quelled the 
rising laughter among his fellow-stu- 
dents by a firm glance of reproof, but 



SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 131 

said nothing to Daniel. He had ob- 
served that the boy was sensitive, and 
he now had the problem before him 
how he should correct this awkward- 
ness in Daniel without wounding his 
feelings ; and he took the following 
method : Calling one of the senior 
boarders to him before the next meal, 
he said : " We want to break our young 
friend of his awkward way of holding 
his knife and fork, and we don't want 
to hurt his feelings. Now I want you, 
at supper to-night, to hold your knife 
and fork the same way, and then I will 
call your attention to it and tell you it 
is not the right and proper way to do." 
The student agreed, and so between the 
kind intention of the professor and the 
kind willingness of the student the 
embryo statesman was taught an im- 
portant lesson without being pained 
and abashed by his ignorance. 

In marked contrast with this incident 
is one which personally I knew to hap- 



132 SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 

pen in a school. A little country girl 
who had recently become an inmate of 
the school knocked at the room of her 
neighbor, a young lady who had been 
brought up amid all the refinements of 
life, and asked her if she would lend 
her her hair-brush. Two or three other 
girls happened to be in the room, and 
this young lady replied, " Hadn't you 
better ask me for my tooth - brush ? 
In this school, hair-brushes are private 
property." Never did the little coun- 
try girl forget this rude rebuke, al- 
though she very shortly learned that 
among cultivated and refined people 
hair-brushes are considered private 
property. But however cultivated ex- 
ternally the young lady was who thus 
rudely rebuffed even the ignorance of 
her companion, her conduct showed a 
spirit uncultivated in gentleness and 
kindness. 

It often happens in schools that some 
become general favorites because per- 



SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 133 

haps they are blessed with good looks, 
or are able to dress with good taste and 
becomingly, or are possessed of a 
certain piquancy of manner and con- 
versational powers which attract and 
entertain. There are others equally 
good and talented who are not blessed 
with comeliness, who are not bright 
and winning in conversation, who are 
awkward in dress and manner. What 
kindness and considerateness is due 
from the more favored to the less fa- 
vored ! How careful should school-girls, 
and not school-girls only, but every- 
body, be to extend courtesy and kind- 
ness to those of their number who are 
apt to be neglected, to be left lonely 
and forgotten while more favored ones 
enjoy special pleasures ! I do not mean 
by this that we are to be equally inti- 
mate and equally fond of all our daily 
associates, but we ought to be equally 
kind. Our especial endearments and 
kindnesses and attentions to our par- 



134 SERMON TO SCHOOL- GIRLS. 

ticular friends ought to be in a meas- 
ure kept for private expression, so that 
we may not wound the feelings of those 
less attractive, or less endowed with 
bodily and mental graces, by contrast 
or comparison. 

To aid us in cultivating this spirit of 
kindness, no maxim is more useful than 
that laid down by Christ: "Whatsoever 
ye would that others should do unto 
you, do ye even so unto them." One 
of the best tests we can apply to our- 
selves, is to imagine ourselves in the 
place of others. Suppose we were con- 
scious of homely features, ungainly 
forms and awkward manners, or of lack 
of information or knowledge; suppose 
we were in such straitened circumstan- 
ces that we were obliged to wear coarse, 
cheap, unsuitable or unbecoming gar- 
ments; how would we feel and how 
would we wish to be treated? And if 
we find within ourselves an unwilling- 
ness to be judged by this standard, or 



SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 135 

to conform our conduct to it, then we 
should realize that we do wrong, that 
we are wrong in spirit. Then should 
come the conscious effort to do right, 
to change our spirit from selfishness to 
unselfishness, from unkindness to kind- 
ness. This is the work that no human 
being can do for us. Every individual 
soul must pass through that struggle 
alone. Whenever we are conscious of 
the necessity of a decision between 
doing right and doing wrong, even 
though we may feel indisposed to do 
the right and disposed to do the wrong, 
yet if we can will to do the right we 
have taken a step toward God and 
heaven; we have begun the unfolding 
of the moral and spiritual nature. 

Now I have before said that an intel- 
lectual culture may be, so to speak, 
veneered upon us, but a spiritual cul- 
ture must come from within outward. 
In botany you learn of two kinds of 
plants — those which grow by external 



136 SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 

accretions, as bulbs, which are called 
exogenous; and plants which grow 
within outward, which are called endo- 
genous. A great philosopher has said 
that "man is that noble endogenous 
plant which grows, like the palm, from 
within outward." The culture of the 
heart and the growth of the spiritual 
nature is wholly individual; it depends 
on ourselves alone. Parents and teach- 
ers can furnish the surroundings and 
the accessories which they hope will 
most help to nourish this spiritual 
growth, but they can do no more. And 
often how bitterly are they disappointed 
when they see that, in spite of admo- 
nition and instruction and entreaty and 
example, and every external help and 
incentive, the inner nature, the heart, 
the soul of child or pupil is not assimi- 
lating spiritual truth, is not growing 
" in grace and in the nurture and admo- 
nition of the Lord." 

And now I pass from the considera- 



SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 137 

tion of that experience which is the 
foundation of a lovely character to con- 
sider some of the forms of outward ex- 
pression of this inward character. I 
have said that we may feel indisposed 
to do right; we may really prefer and 
like best the wrong ; nevertheless if we 
will to do what is right we have gained 
a victory. So it may be a great help 
to us in gaining this inward victory to 
familiarize ourselves with rules for con- 
duct or expression. Suppose, for in- 
stance, we know we are liable to give 
way to bad tempers and to speak hastily 
and harshly. We may even feel that 
it is a relief to speak thus hastily or 
harshly, but if we will to control our 
tempers we may find a great help in 
resolving never to speak in a loud or 
harsh tone of voice. You all know that 
the scolding or quarreling tone of voice 
is loud and harsh. If we resolve never 
to allow ourselves to use this tone, it 
will help us to control our tempers, and 



138 SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 

it will also be an obedience to one of 
the rules of good manners. 

We call a well-mannered person a 
cultivated person ; and this culture con- 
sists mainly in kindness and gentleness 
of manner, in self-restraint, and in un- 
obtrusiveness. The real reason for 
every true rule of good manners is some 
moral reason. The true reason why 
we are forbidden by good manners to 
do certain things is that the doing of 
such things gives pain or causes incon- 
venience to some one. Why do the 
rules of good manners forbid the slam- 
ming of doors, or noisy running along 
halls or up and down stairs, or loud 
talking or boisterous laughter? Be- 
cause such noises inflict pain on those 
who hear them, if they are of refined 
sensibilities. For the same reason it 
is bad manners to drum on a piano, or 
to drum on table or desk or chair, or 
to shuffle the feet, or to make any noise 
that distracts or obtrudes. Why is it 



SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 139 

bad manners to come late to meals, to 
be unpunctual, to keep people waiting ? 
Because we inflict pain and inconve- 
nience upon those who are in a certain 
measure dependent for their comfort on 
our promptness and punctuality. Why 
is it bad manners to sprawl in one's 
seat, to assume ungainly attitudes, to 
make grimaces, or to munch peanuts 
or apples in the cars or in public 
places? For the same reason. We 
make those who witness such conduct 
uncomfortable, and inflict pain upon 
them. 

One very common cause of discom- 
fort and pain caused by young people 
to their parents and teachers is want of 
thoughtfulness and consideration. For 
one-half the faults for which young 
people need to be reproved the reply is, 
"I didn't think." Now, while we can- 
not expect young folks to exercise the 
thoughtfulness and judgment of ma- 
turer people, we certainly have a right 



140 SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 

to expect that they will endeavor to ac- 
quire a habit of thoughtfulness in re- 
gard to the convenience and interests 
of others. It is this want of thought- 
fulness that often betrays young peo- 
ple into doing very improper and inju- 
rious things. Parents and teachers are 
constantly troubled by finding that 
their children and pupils do things 
which they never thought of forbidding 
them to do. That which all good and 
faithful teachers strive to do is to de- 
velop in their pupils such a sense of 
propriety and thoughtfulness and such 
a high moral sense as will make them 
a law for right unto themselves. They 
want to cultivate and to see them 
cultivating in themselves a strong prac- 
tical common-sense and a wise sense 
of propriety. Without such common- 
sense and innate sense of propriety, the 
longest set of rules would be useless. 
For instance, if your teachers were 
to set about making a set of rules do 



SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 141 

you suppose any one of them would 
have thought of making such rules as: 
"Young ladies are not permitted to 
go to the roof of the house and sit 
with their feet dangling over the rail- 
ings of the balcony ; " or " Young ladies 
must not go into people's pastures and 
catch their ponies to go riding;" or 
" When young ladies are out riding in 
a buggy it is not allowable for one of 
the young ladies to ride on the horse 
which the others are driving." 

A hundred rules might be gotten up 
forbidding the doing of a hundred 
things, the only evil of which is that 
they are outlandish and unbecoming; 
not modest, or ill-mannered, and behind 
which there is no evil intent — only 
thoughtlessness. The same endowment 
of common-sense ought to teach young 
people to do those things which will 
promote their health, and not to do 
those things which would injure it. 
The greatest blessing to a young per- 



142 SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 

son, especially to a young woman, is 
good health; but unless she will take 
care of it herself, it is an almost hope- 
less task to attempt to take care of it 
for her. You may have heard the 
somewhat slangy expression sometimes 
made about stupid and conceited young 
men, that they " don't know enough to 
come in when it rains." It is, however, 
an almost just complaint of many a 
pretty and otherwise sensible young 
woman that she apparently doesn't 
know enough to put on overshoes 
when it rains, or to change thin cloth- 
ing for thick when it grows cold. There 
is needed among young girls every- 
where such a development of common- 
sense as will prevent this senseless and 
thoughtless conduct. 

And now let us consider some of the 
rewards that will come to those who 
give attention to the culture of the 
spirit. Emerson says that "it is our 
manners that associate us," and this 



SEEMON TO SCHOOL-GIBLS. 143 

is one of his truest observations. We 
all wish, or we all should wish, to be- 
come fitted for association with the 
good, the refined, the intelligent, the 
cultivated, with those who have a noble 
purpose in life. Into such society 
there is but one passport — intelligence, 
and gentle, quiet, cultivated manners, 
coupled with a like noble and earnest 
purpose. Possessed of these, any per- 
son may be sure of a welcome in the 
best society, however plain in appear- 
ance or dress. Wanting in these, good 
looks and fine dress are of no avail to 
secure the coveted association. Re- 
member, I am now speaking of the 
society of intellectual, refined, and cul- 
tivated people, and not of mere fash- 
ionable society. But to gain friendly 
and equal access to this best society, 
the culture of heart and mind must be 
genuine; it must be thorough, deep, 
sincere. The young person whose ed- 
ucation of mind and heart is shallow 



144 SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 

and superficial, who has no definite aim 
in life, may well fear to submit to the 
critical tests sure to be applied by 
such society. 

I cannot better illustrate my meaning 
than by relating to you two incidents 
that have come under my own personal 
observation. You all know that in our 
old Eastern cities, which have so long 
been the homes of wealth and learning, 
is to be found a society almost un- 
equalled for its high standard of intel- 
lectual culture and refined manners as 
well as for beneficent actions. Two 
young Western women whom I have 
known, aspired to gain access to and 
meet with recognition in a certain fa- 
mous circle of such people in one of 
these Eastern cities. Both young 
women were graduates of Western uni- 
versities, and had had really exceptional 
advantages for acquiring a thorough 
collegiate education. One had been 
surrounded by every possible helpful 



SEEMON TO SCHOOL-GIBLS. 145 

condition. Fond parents, possessed of 
abundance of this world's goods, and 
admiring friends, had done everything 
in their power to secure for her free- 
dom from all other cares while she 
was pursuing her studies. Being thus 
helped and petted and praised and en- 
couraged, she seemed to feel that all 
circumstances and everybody's conve- 
nience and comfort must give way for 
her plans and interests. The other 
young girl was the eldest daughter of 
a poor widow. She struggled through 
the university by teaching in vacation; 
renting a poor little room in the town 
where the university was situated, and 
cooking her own food, doing her own 
washing and ironing, living in the 
plainest way, wearing cheap clothing, 
and eating the plainest food, while she 
was pursuing her studies. Her strug- 
gles with poverty and bitter circum- 
stances taught her sympathy and 
kindness and helpfulness; and though 



146 SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 

she was plain, very plain, in face and 
figure, the gentle kindness of her spirit 
was apparent to all. As time passed 
on after their graduation, both of these 
young women gained the goal of their 
hopes and ambitions: an introduction 
to this brilliant and cultivated circle of 
people through certain literary clubs. 
And furthermore, both secured an invi- 
tation to read a paper before the same 
literary society during the same winter. 
The first-named young lady was visit- 
ing friends, while the second had se- 
cured a position as teacher. When the 
first young lady appeared before the 
society, her dress of velvet, point lace, 
and diamonds, was so striking as to be 
obtrusive. Her paper was fairly good, 
but contained nothing of any perma- 
nent value. Her self-consciousness and 
evident desire to be conspicuous had 
the effect of repelling the earnest and 
thoughtful men and women who com- 
posed the society. Her essay and her- 



SEKMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 147 

self were alike quietly dropped ; and 
to this day she cannot understand why. 
She calls the members of the society 
proud, haughty, and exclusive, and de- 
nounces the city where these people 
live as pedantic, disagreeable, and un- 
social. Before this same club came 
our quiet, unostentatious, plain young 
friend of the toilsome life. Her dress 
was as plain as her face, but her paper 
was rich in information and filled with 
the results of a deep and earnest obser- 
vation. Around her gathered the good 
men and women who knew how to ap- 
preciate such a spirit, and from thence- 
forward she was one of them. Every 
winter since the reading of her first 
essay I have found her name among 
the list of those who are leaders in the 
world of thought and of benevolent 
action. With pride in the success of a 
genuine Western girl, I have often ob- 
served her name among the invited 
guests present at receptions given to 



148 SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS. 

distinguished authors and philanthro- 
pists both of our own country and of 
Europe. Why did she succeed against 
such odds, when the other failed with 
all her advantages? Simply because 
she was possessed of the true, deep, 
thorough genuine culture, both of 
mind and heart, which alone associates 
the best people together. To her, 
" plain living and high thinking " was 
a life-long practice, and she was at 
home and happy with the good and the 
learned. 

Would you be prepared to attain a 
like reward? Cultivate her spirit; imi- 
tate her example. 



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TMOGRAPHIES OF MUSICIANS. 



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